Caterwauling

Oh, gee, you think I should post my (Gemini) horoscope? GREAT IDEA!

A new phase in your life is beginning, Goddess. The previous phase can be interpreted as having taught you to be serious and devoted to professional responsibilities. And you did accomplish some good deeds. Now you can relax and look forward. Let yourself feel the welcome tug of the future…

I’m starting to get that work doesn’t totally define me. I dunno. I think i got nervous for a few years there, that the only way to show my devotion and appreciation for the opportunities was to work constantly. Now I’m seeing where I can scale back, delegate and otherwise preserve what’s left of my sanity.

I’ve started volunteering, socializing and — gasp — remembering some needs that I’ve, ah, neglected in the recent past. Needs that can be filled by something other than the Energizer Bunny. 😉

My friend Scot did a brilliant blog post about human body cell memory. I’m totally stealing part of it because it’s brilliant:

“If the cell is constantly bombarded by the negative peptides, from chronic stress like abusive living situations, war, depression, marital strife, trauma response (from rape, abandonment, homelessness, death of a loved one) even financial stresses or a long period of unemployment, the cells will produce more receptor sites for the ‘negative’ peptides, and less sites for the ‘positive’ peptides.

“So stress (sadness, despondency, anger & aggression, worry, jealousy) becomes the ‘natural state’ of the cell. The cells themselves begin to ‘forget’ how to feel pleasure. The body and the mind’s ability to be happy is actually degraded. And the longer this persists, the greater the shift in receptor site loci. This is why mom always told you it is no good to bear a grudge.”

So, in his summation, pleasure is a forgettable skill. And hot damn if that didn’t just click in my head in a way little else has. I forget what “normal” used to be. I forget what it’s like to be with — really, honestly, presently with — someone of the other gender.

I think I briefly found myself in a groove of “I don’t need anybody; I have a suitcase full of vibrators that don’t talk/date other women/cheat/lie/break my heart/have cooties.” And I’ve been sort of OK with that. But reading Scot’s tome on becoming conditioned to strife, I realized that has become my comfort zone as well.

Oooohhh, noooooo. No more of that. Whether past joy was real or merely an apparition, I’m going to find it and replicate it and do it bigger and better next time around.

Which explains why my little epiphany threw me for such a freaking loop. Because it involved me feeling — nay, feeling STRONGLY — about something. I haven’t felt passionate about much of anything other than the presidential election, and here my heart was telling me, “Hey asshole — PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”

So, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Because that void must be filled, whether it’s the way I envisioned it or whether the universe woke me up so that I’d be alert when opportunity walks into my life.

And, if I may, opportunities are in the air. I’m grateful. And ready.

There’s hope yet. As he noted, we just have to learn pleasure all over again. OK, so the “just” is a misnomer, but I have worse things on my to-do list. 😉

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 28th, 2008 at 9:31 AM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.