Comin’ Out
Spent the day alone. Loved it. Needed it. Need more of it.
Mom told me today that for as miserable as I was in Pittsburgh at my horrible last job there, I was a thousand times happier than I am here in Alexandria, Va. She said I sound older, seem worn-out and depressed, and can’t paste a true smile on my face to save my life. Funny how “my life before” would have been less taxing on my emotions, but even though I was pissed when she said it, I see her point. In a big way.
But could I even go back to Pgh at this point? Would I get the same salary and level of responsibility that I had when I left? Hell no. While I might’ve felt I was dying on the vine up there, I’ve brought that vine down here and have essentially hanged myself with it. I’m behind by 1 car insurance installment, 2 car payments and 3 student loan payments (or is it 4?), with no bloody way of ever catching up. I miss my old apartment. I miss dating dozens of people. I miss having money to burn to compensate for my depression.
I was really liking it here, or so I thought. But my social life is not what it once was, and my finances, well, see above. And there is other stuff that I don’t put into this blog, not necessarily for fear of hurting anyone (some days, just ask me if I care), but it’s more so that I don’t air dirty laundry. I can rip someone to shreds in a sentence, but this is not the forum to do that, if ever it should be appropriate at all.
But I can’t go back. I can only go forward. Not sure where I am going to get the gumption to do so, but once my damn period ends, perhaps I will regain my humanity and get my life back together. 🙂
On a strange note, I heard from F/OM, my old boss, today. I love him. I really do. He was tough as nails on me, but I know he loved me right back, ’cause I didn’t take his shit — and most of that shit came from HIS boss, HRP, anyway. He was just the sieve. At any rate, a few things he said inspired me to write a LONG e-mail response about what is REALLY happening in my life. I held little back. Told him about Shan, IKEA Boy, RK, my own adventures with sexual liberation, etc. — perhaps it was TMI, but the boy’s got a sense of humor, and I’m sure he knew all about me, anyway. 🙂 I’m in his club. Also, I complained about the assholes who run the Veggie Patch — F/OM is furious on my behalf that I am making peanuts and am made to feel (by everyone other than my boss) like I am worthless to them. He is smoking about that — he keeps encouraging me to fight for myself, to not let them get away with not paying me what I am worth (although, arguably, I am worth more than any stupid company can ever pay me). That makes me very happy, because I busted my ass when I worked for him, and he knows the wonderful things of which I am capable.
I’d once joked with Susan that F/OM (who is now HER supervisor) and I should get together and produce a kid. She had said that such a kid would be a fabulous specimen of humanity, given his smarts and my, well, je ne sais quoi. LOL. I think the kid would be too brilliant and talented to even BE human, but it’s an interesting idea, to mesh our gene pools. 🙂 How much does that in vitro stuff cost? hee hee. If I have a kid, it has to be a genetic masterpiece, and I think having F/OM for its daddy (and Jay as its stepparent) would ensure that fact. :0)
And one last thought about Brat, as I wrote about him today … my heart is absolutely going to break when/if I ever learn that he’s in a relationship or that he’s proposed to someone other than me. I know it’s inevitable, but it just occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t so special to him. And that wounds me more than anything on earth.