Roll the Dice
Rejected title: Mix tapes rule
“I had to escape
The city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you
I was dreaming while I drove
The long straight road ahead, uh, huh
Could taste your sweet kisses
Your arms open wide
This fever for you is just burning me up inside
I drove all night to get to you
Is that alright
I drove all night
Crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep
To make love to you
Is that alright
I drove all night
What in this world
Keeps us from tearing apart
No matter where I go I hear
The beating of our one heart
I think about you
When the night is cold and dark
No one can move me
The way that you do
Nothing erases the feeling between me and you.”
— Celine Dion (or Cyndi Lauper, take your pick), “I Drove All Night” —
As I promised myself to not divulge so many details of my personal life as I may have done at times in the past, I’d like to present a “mix tape” approach of my time in Pittsburgh as it pertains to Brat.
What I can say outright, though, is that it is possible to pick up where you left off with someone — we were laughing and teasing each other and, yes, kissing like not a day had passed. But on the other hand, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Would he have contacted me had I not moved four hours away from him? Would he have missed me the way he said he did? And is there anywhere to go from here? I went into this with open eyes — for a change, as I was always kind of purposely oblivious where he was concerned — and I walked away with those eyes open and focused on returning to the new life I have built — one that may or may not come to more fully include him.
We seemed to fall together so easily, so naturally. I believe it was after a round of darts with two other couples (not that I would ever call us a couple) — which he won for our team — that he grabbed me and kissed me. I was stunned and receptive all at the same time. And I will leave the details to my own memory and to your imagination, but I thought the following song summed up the nearly 24 hours that we spent together appropriately:
“Seems like such a long, long time
Since your body crossed my mind
But I think that you should know
It wasn’t I who had to go
‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I’d give you my love and this heart made of stone
The sun, the moon, the Earth, the sky
The motorcycle that I like to ride
I would do anything; I would give everything
To be your everything
But if ever you should stray
Just sing along and I will play
Or look into your hands
I’m slipping through them like a tiny grain of sand
I remember you
Do you remember me too?
It seems like such a long, long time
Since I held you near and called you mine
‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
The sun, the moon, the Earth, the sky
A brand new car that you and I could drive
I would do anything
I would give everything
To be your everything.”
— Stereofuse, “Everything” —
And leaving him that next day, the song on the radio:
“Remember the silence living in the dark
Remember the desperation in my heart
Remember how close we came, to giving up
We were caught up in our storm, I didn’t think that we would make it
We have only stood our grounds, now the storm is breaking
We’re flying above the clouds
So beautiful and clear
We’re flying above the clouds
I can see happiness from here.”
— Amber, “Above the Clouds” —
Not by any means do I wish to imply that things are on any track toward anything more than what it was, which was a friends-with-a-benefit-package thing. But for five minutes, it was nice to wonder if we were somehow working our way back to each other, even if only through baby steps taken somewhat backward.
I shudder to admit that I showed up on his doorstep one more time (can we say hoe-biscuit?) before I left town. All I can really say to that is that I had a little trick up my sleeve to make myself unforgettable (not through sex, although not for lack of wanting the latter!). Showers of kisses later, I left, although not because I really wanted to. One only wonders what really runs through his thoughts, but I have my theories.
And as for me, I will make one personal revelation. I have never stayed the night with anyone. I have made more 4 a.m. excuses than I care to recount, but with him, I just couldn’t come up with any. I loved it that when he slept, he held me close to him. And I can’t lie still to save my life, and I changed positions a dozen times. And each time, he pulled me toward him and didn’t let go. But only in his sleep does he do that. And he didn’t seem to really believe me when I confessed that I never stayed the night with anyone, but that’s OK. I know my history entirely too well (anybody remember G3 when I left him after saying, “That’s it?” Heh).
He says “roll the dice” a lot. It appeared in a number of text messages from him as I made my journey closer to him. So I slipped him the directions to my place, under the heading of “roll the dice.” I kept saying that I’d see him in a year (as it has been nearly a year since we last saw each other), and it seemed to bother him, because he said he hoped it would be sooner. But then he reverted to his usual smartass mode (part of what attracted us to each other, I’m sure, was our mutual quick wit) and said that maybe it’ll be a year and a half next time. Heh. He’d better work pretty quickly, if you want to know the truth, because I’ve never been one to wait around for anyone.
At any rate, I left town this morning and left him behind, but I will always smile a little bit to know that — in his own words — he told me that he was glad that I had come back. I made it clear that it took me a long time to get over him, but quite honestly, we didn’t resolve our issues. We just — finally — had fun and, well, I rolled the dice. We’re still living in very different worlds — both in location as well as emotionally — but we can come together (*ahem*) and enjoy each other’s presence. And right now, that’s what works, and I’m OK with it.
And now it’s his turn to roll the dice. I’ll be curious to see when he takes his turn.
The closing number to today’s musical is brought to you from the “Great Expectations” soundtrack — part of one of my three mix CDs that I made in his honor, many months ago, which got me through the drive home to D.C.:
“Don’t bother saying you’re sorry
Why don’t you come in
Smoke all my cigarettes again
Every time I get no further
How long has it been?
Come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams
You take up my time
Like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Oh well, you know what I mean, oh
I’ve done this before
And I will do it again
Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend
Oh and I’ll come running
Just to do it again
You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can’t seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can’t avoid
Like a plane I’ve been told I never should board
Like a film that’s so bad but I’ve got to stay till the end
Let me tell you now: it’s lucky for you that we’re friends.
— Pulp, “Like a Friend” —
Roll the dice, friends. Life’s too short to wonder or to worry or to pass up opportunities — especially when they come around more than once. Just do what makes you happy, but be ready for anything. We win some, we lose some, we learn lots regardless. And between us, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. 🙂