I got in trouble
Subtitle: At the wrong end of a landslide
I should have taken it as a sign when I drove to work today and the front entrance to the parking lot was closed for construction. I should have kept driving instead of going to the back entrance.
Apparently I am still in kindergarten, only I get paid.
My boss just had a closed-door meeting with me to tell me that she’s embarrassed by me and that I should be embarrassed of myself, essentially. See the previous post for my snarky comment. I had sent the same words to the person who set up the conference call (a fellow staff member who hates the evil cunt bitch just as much as I do). Demure!TM apologized to the staff member for me being a jerk and came to give me hell and to suggest that I should no longer be allowed to send e-mail to anybody but Angie.
Oh was I pissed. I have hundreds of letters from readers, contributors and leaders who thank me profusely for my time, energy, patience, consideration, kindness, etc. And I told her I would be more than happy to give her a copy of each one. Hell, I had someone call me screaming about something right before this debacle ensued. And I handled it with grace. And I was not even the right person for the caller to contact, but I said I’d handle it for them and do whatever I in my limited power could do.
Anyway, the staff person is at a level higher than me, so I of course got reamed for being rude to a “director,” even though this person, for all intents and purposes, is my equal. And all I had said was that the committee’s failure to consider the publication schedule, especially when they claim they want to be helpful to the publication, seemed ironic and perhaps a sign of future obstacles. THIS is why I am an embarrassment to my boss. THIS caused her to call and apologize to this staff member. THIS incited a half-hour meeting with me to tell me what a fuck-up she thinks I am.
I think she was just fishing for something negative to go on my review that is coming this month. A reason to not give me a raise.
I never get a thank-you or a compliment when I pull off miracles or do something really creative. I never hear about my performance in general, only when she wants to tell me I’m a disappointment or an embarrassment. Indeed, that only racks up to two instances, and I am not saying I agree with either one. I beg for feedback on my performance, but this is what I get — a pitched bitch about an e-mail she thought was in poor taste. For cripes’ sake, the other staff member hates the Queen as much as I do! She hates being caught in the drama, and we have had many aside conversations about this ridiculous proposal to form a Gestapo. I wasn’t criticizing her for coordinating the call on the particular date (she’d sent a snotty e-mail my way to remind me how difficult it is to coordinate 11 people for a phone call, whereupon I admitted I was just being bitchy about the committee call in general).
I feel like I’m at the wrong end of a landslide. I feel today like I have no peace. I dread work, I dread e-mail, I dread hearing what everybody thinks is wrong with me. I’m fine. I am a hell of a worker and person in general. I do not question my worth. I do, however, question why I deal with shit from people who no longer (or never did) matter.