Caterwauling

It’s not that I’m not a happy or even quasi-optimistic person, but I guess I need the mental equivalent of a power wash on my psyche. Anything to make me stop questioning not why the bad things happen, but if the good things can possibly be anything other than transient.

There are days when I’m bummed at feeling like life is suffocating the will straight out of my soul, and there are other days in which I’m continually looking over my shoulder, like things are OK — but what’s looming that’s intent on destroying it? I pray for change at every turn, and I want “the dream” more than anyone else I’ve ever known.

Things have to change. They’re — I’m — broken and I’m not pretending to be fine anymore. Denial shouldn’t be someone’s strong suit. Neither should pretense. I worry when those I genuinely want to attract (and keep) realize that this is as good as it gets sometimes. This is *my* healthy for now, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve always wanted people to fall in love with my potential, but I need for them to see me — to know me — now. To give me that safe place to simply just be.

From Slate:

But to the man whose hand or arm she is holding, she is not “average.” She is the whole world to him.

Sunlight is something I don’t get enough of, truly and hypothetically, and I bask in it when I see it. I am grateful for it and even though I have to push it out of my world way too soon and entirely too often, I dance in it, even if only in my mind. But I know it’s out there, waiting for me to enter into it so that it can envelop me and illuminate the path I’m meant to be on.

A baby crying in its crib doesn’t want conversation or a gold ring. He wants to be picked up, held, and patted. Adults need that physical contact also. They need to cuddle together for warmth and comfort in an indifferent or cold world. At least, they need to be able to do that.

That said, I know I’m sort of on the right track — at least, I’m in the neighborhood. Acknowledging the road is the first step for me. Realizing that it’s going to be a “Long Way to Happy” is the second step. But happy is out there — I’ve got the TripTik. And maybe it’s less of a hike than I think, but now I’m finally focused on a destination.

Here’s the song by Pink to complement this convoluted entry:

[audio:Pink_LongWayToHappy.mp3]

This entry was posted on Friday, June 23rd, 2006 at 8:59 AM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.