‘If you’re not one of Goddess’ boys, what are you, really?’
“You should ask X for (thing I really need from them),” they tell me.
I say I’m still mad. Not necessarily at X. Well, not entirely at X. But when one person’s decision ignites YOUR world on fire, yeah. Need a little more mad time, thanks.
“You NEED to ask,” they text back.
I say look. I’m grateful for all the good. There was a whole lot of it. And I think I cherished it all. Maybe not as much, toward the end. But I still knew the risks of leaving first. And those helped me stay.
“They owe you, Goddess,” they say. “Your life was dedicated to them. Your heart, soul health was invested. They know that. Don’t let it all be for nothing. It was bigger than all of you before it was a pile of dust.”
I think about it. And the revelation appears out of nowhere.
He didn’t want to be one of “my boys.” And I don’t know how to compute that.
They aren’t all “my boys,” you know. Sure, I give them every opportunity. Most of them realize a Goddess-less life isn’t worth living. And a Goddess-blessed one is filled with a whole lot more joy than the alternative.
One of my boys typed to another the other day, “If you’re not one of Goddess’ boys, what are you, really?”
I was cc’d. And so very pleased.
I think I always felt second/third/whatever fiddle. No matter how much I gave or tried or hurt or stressed or worried. Maybe I wasn’t so far down the food chain. I don’t know. Perhaps I needed more validation than I got. Or perhaps my apparent lack of needing any was off-putting.
In any event. I do feel owed. You go all-in and you are standing there alone half the time. Not bond-building. You memorize every detail of their life, and they probably still don’t know your cocktail of choice that you never ever deviate from.
It’s OK. It’s always OK. You’re always OK, even when you’re not.
I’m not a fan of this “Smile because it happened” shit. I will damn well cry because it’s over until I die.
But I’m getting better. It’s just not happening on any timetable that anyone would deem quick. And I may never get what it is I need/deserve. Not from this person. Maybe not from anyone.
But there is always the hope.