How we awaken our humans

Bwahahahahaaaaaaa ...

New toy!

Oh hai

Watching you
Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Iz Caturday! Kadie sez letz nap the dayz away. ...

4

Has it been two months already since I posted? Sheesh. Crazy-ass summer. We moved into a bigger apartment in Washington, D.C., and I have been very busy pooping absolutely everywhere to make the place my own. It's been tough coming up with enough shit to smear across nearly 1,100 square feet, but I've been working very hard at my goal and I am very proud of myself.

I just wanted to pop in today to wish my lil sister Kadie a happy fourth birthday! Actually, I really want to kick her in the ass but I'll try to be the better cat today. ;) Mommy just picked her up and hugged her and sang to her, so that's probably the extent of the celebration. Although, Mommy did bring home a bag of treats last night, and I wondered what the occasion was, since we don't get treats very often. (Because we're bad -- we know it!)

So today, while Mommy celebrates the devil child (Born June (6) sixth (6) at 6 p.m.(6)!) I will simply celebrate it as a treat day. Whee!

It's my party, and I'll crap where I want to

It's my birthday! Eleven years on this earth. Sheesh. Mommy's been dealing with my shitting, pissing and vomiting all over her world for almost that long and, for today only, I will admit she deserves a medal for it. ;)

Today I got to drink from the sink and I got Fancy Feast for breakfast -- she even brought my bowl to the sink so I could drink, eat and take a nap all in the same spot! Mommy had to put a moratorium on toy-buying, as we're moving in a few weeks and she's already got enough shit to pack. She's been like dinner and a show around here lately, 'cause she's always slipping and fallin' on her ass, whether it's tripping over boxes, slipping over piles of papers that Kadie messed up and spread across the floor, or stepping in my pooh landmines and practically hitting the roof while she's yelling at me. It's fun being me -- just as long as she doesn't fall on me.

My grandma came down to see me for my birthday. She brought her boyfriend and they went out to dinner with Mommy. Um, the hell? It's MY birthday, bitches! Why didn't I get to go out for a good dinner? You think this canned shit you feed me is upscale livin'? Assholes!!!

UPDATE

I just barfed up my birthday breakfast. It's all brown and watery, from all the water I gorged myself on. I threw up from the kitchen to the living room -- all on the carpet, of course. We ain't NEVER gettin' this security deposit back!!!

Fudgalicious

My food, bitches
Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

F to the U to the D to the G to the E, damn it!

I have officially shit on every square inch of space in our apartment, so now that it's time to move, I feel complete!

I think Mommy's just jealous that I am so full of fiber that I can void my bowels up to twice a day, wherever I see fit. Every day is like Easter in our house -- Mommy wakes up, smells my freshly-laid pooh egg, and has to find it -- before she has coffee! Oh, wild times here at Pooh Corner, I tell you!

I know I should watch myself, lest she go to the pet store and start buying that rat-poison-laden food that everyone else is returning. But hey, if it makes me crap even more, all the better! :)

Shit streak

I know, I normally brag about all the shit streaks I leave on the carpet, but this week? I'm on a shit streak -- literally!

Three nights ago, I crapped in Mommy's shoes. Two nights ago, I crapped all over her important paperwork. And last night, I took a big, wet, sloppy, watery shit in the pants she wore to work yesterday. I'm on a roll!!!

Wonder where I can shit tonight?!?!

Madden by Maddie

Mommy hasn't tidied up our trio of litterboxes in DAYS, so I decided to shit in her shoes and wipe my ass on her apartment-hunting paperwork.

I shit so much, she had to throw away her new, cloth Steve Madden shoes. She was torn about keeping them because she doesn't like to spend that kind of money on stuff but she indulged herself for giggles. But she should know that with giggles come shits (i.e., when it comes to "shits and giggles," I do one and she's NOT doing the other!).

So, she's definitely not keeping the shoes (they're in the garbage now!), but she can't get her money back unless she can prove that the wet, steamy poop came with them.

Do I care? Not so much -- she just cleaned the litterbox, so mission accomplished!

I'm in ur hamper, shit-streaking your skivvies

Mommy has seen every freaking apartment available in the Apartment Guide, and she finally decided on one today. But she lied about my ass -- I don't exist, in her world. And she notices how all these rental companies ask her twice about having pets -- once on the phone, and again in person. Even when she shows up, they say, "You said you're bringing a pet, right?" She blinks and answers blankly, "No." Hah -- smart girl!

But she came home and told me that the place she's looking at has brand-new everything, including carpet. Which means I'm getting a nice kitty prozac prescription before we go. Whee. Apparently my shit fetish isn't uncommon and now I will have to be on antidepressants so I will not feel the need to shit everywhere anymore.

Silly Mommy, there ain't a drug on this planet that will cure me of big, fat wet dingleberries like the one you picked out of my butt tonight when I tried to jump on your head and you nearly committed suicide from the stench. If I am not emanating an aroma of ass juice, how will you know it's me sittin' on your head?

Crappy New Year

Mommy has been out of town a lot these past few months and the ho turns off the computer when she goes, so there went all my prime blogging time. So, let me just wish you a happy new year, and in my house, it's a crappy new year, because the bitch is never home to scoop the fucking litterboxes!

My grandpa died on Thanksgiving, and Mommy's been spending a lot of time with Grandma, who's coming to live with us. We're going to be moving soon, just within D.C. and not back up to Pittsburgh. I hate moving and I hate it that Grandma sneezes every time she looks at me, but Grandma likes to cook and clean and I'm thinking that maybe my litterbox won't be so foul anymore. Grandma is also threatening to put Kadie and me in diapers, and she says she's cutting out holes for our tails so she doesn't have to see our patented Shit Landmines all over the floor when Mommy pulls her usual 12-hour shifts at her job.

It's been a sad few months here, but I think it'll be good for Mommy to have Grandma with us, and Grandma needs us right now, so I promised Mommy that I will try to be very good for her and make her feel welcome. And we're trying to ask Kadie not to jump on Grandma's head while she sleeps like she does with Mommy. Personally, I'm hoping we can get an extra bedroom for Kadie and me, but as always, Mommy says I have to get a job because she can't support all four of us.

She almost didn't have a job -- she has a stalker who tried to get her fired, and I hope he burns in hell because she's the only one with an income and we'd all be out on the streets if her job wasn't so nice and good to her. In fact, they gave her a promotion after Stupidhead did his thing because they realized how smart she is and how much of an asset she is to the company. Thank God for the good guys winning for a change!

It's weird for Mommy, because she thought that by now, she'd be married and have non-furchildren, but instead she's got two furballs and a parent to care for now. She doesn't need to worry -- we'll all be very good and not eat too much. ;)

I'm also very sad that I didn't get to see my Grampy one more time, because he loved us very much and always asked Mommy how we were doing and told her to give us kisses from him. When he died, Mommy told us to be very good and to sit very still when he came by to pet us one last time, because he wasn't going to leave without telling us he loved us.

So, life's a little bit different over here at the litterbox. Thank you for coming back to see how I am --- I'm a sad little puss right now, but I'm happy that our little family (what's left of it) will be together again. I'll even share my litterbox with Grandma so Mommy can get ready in the mornings in peace!

Princess and the Pee

Mommy goes out of town a lot, so in addition to the master litterbox that's hidden in the pantry, she likes to buy those flimsy disposable litterboxes so that she can bag it and toss it when she comes home. I am a plus-sized puss but I do so adore the tiny toilets because if I miss, she can't bitch at me too much.

So today, she was very mad at me because she'd bought two of the disposable litterboxes but had left them on the floor, unopened. As you probably know, there's a thin layer of litter in each, covered by a label that you have to take off so that we can get to the litter.

Well, as Mommy didn't want us to use the boxes till she leaves later this week, she didn't open them. But I wanted to feel like Princess and the Pee Pea, as the boxes were stacked, and I went ahead and pissed all over the box anyway. She just went to clean up a suspicious poop stain in the rug when she saw that the litterbox was soaking wet. Heh -- I was so excited that she's going away, I couldn't contain myself!!

To eat, perchance to poop

Everyone keeps telling Mommy to take me to the vet because I insist on crapping on a special spot on the living room rug every two days. Whether the box is clean or not, I default to my favorite spot, and everyone seems to think it's a medical condition.

Look, under Cat Law, I am expected to:

1. Sleep as much as possible
2. Shed, preferably onto Mommy's dark work clothes
3. Eat everything put before me
4. Poop, bountifully and plentifully
5. Wipe my ass on the floors, walls and other stationery objects so that I do not have dingleberries hanging from my long fur.

How can you punish/heal a cat for doing what the Kitty Gods have put her on this earth to do?!?!

Mommy's so fed up, she's decided SHE is just going to crap on the floor too because the house already smells like my ass. Hey, that's MY job!!! Shit, if she's gonna be wiping her ass on the floor too, I might as well just use the litterbox just to be a rebel!