There are no words. ...

... To describe how much I intensely dislike my Mommy right now for our weekend road trip!

We drove up to Pittsburgh on Friday. I decided to give her a break and not screech in her ear too much, but she does call me her "Radar Detector," as I start whimpering when she hits 62mph and full-out screech when she hits 65. She says that's when she knows she's going a safe speed (so as not to get pulled over by some pissed-off policeman). However, Mommy likes to exceed 65 a lot, but I don't make a peep till she hits 75 -- that's when I really let loose and howl like a cat outta hell. So, even though we had a state trooper riding our ass halfway through Maryland, we didn't get a ticket -- THANKS TO ME!!!

Mommy talks to the other drivers on the road. Well, not really talks, but calls them names. She calls them such nice things as "mother-fuck-me-nots" and "fuckheads" and "asswipes" and "stupid sons of bitches." My, that dumb bitch has a potty mouth on her!!! (oops, did I say that? hee hee)

We stayed at Grandma's house, which was just a living joy that I simply cannot convey with words. I snuck into my great-grandfather's room a lot, which pissed Mommy and Grandma off big-time. I was covered in dust bunnies from hangin' out under his bed. He always kept his door closed, but he never noticed me sneaking around his ankles as I darted into his room. Ha ha.

One time, Mommy thought I was in there, so she ripped apart the whole room twice, looking for me. She got all dusty and she was sick and coughing like a maniac, but as it turns out, Grandma found me in my hiding place behind the TV-on-top-of-a-TV in the living room ('cause we're just classy like that). At any rate, I was wedged in this little-itty-bitty corner so tightly that my ass was on my shoulders. I tried to act cool and comfy and what not, but boy, was I glad they found me! Grandma has superhuman strength -- she moved BOTH TVs so that Mommy could reach in and scoop me up. That was the only night I didn't get any treats. I wasn't sure why.

But it wasn't all so traumatic. I sat by Grandma's back door and watched her two little groundhog friends approach the door. I was afraid they were going to eat me, but they didn't come inside. Grandma talks to them every day and feeds them cookies and banana flips and all kinds of neat stuff. They even got Krispy Kreme doughnuts this weekend, and they loved it! I got shrimp so I can't complain about not getting good stuff to eat.

Mommy was ready to shoot me on the ride home, though. I howled all the way from McKeesport, Pa., to Breezewood, Pa., a drive that takes Mommy about 90 to 100 minutes ('cause the Pennsylvania Turnpike was down to one lane in many places). Mommy (hoe) was flirting with truck drivers, and they kept honking at us, which scared me 'cuz those trucks are BIG!!! Grandma had bought her a slutty shirt, which she was wearing and the truck drivers apparently liked it. Hoe-biscuit!

At any rate, Mommy said she's never taking me buh-byes in the car again. Ever. Good. My mission was accomplished. Nyah. Although I hope Grandma comes down here to see me, 'cuz she feeds me. A lot. And I like that!!!