What a porker!

Not me, you silly assholes. The 41-pound lardass of a cat who's suddenly on a hunger strike 'cause he's used to getting 4 1/2 pounds of food a day and now isn't 'cause people think he's a fatty boombalatty.

I'm sorry I haven't written in ages -- Mommy went away and left us for a week, and Aunt Shan took great care of us, but that bitch Mommy unplugged the computer! And, as I have no thumbs, well, you know how hard it is to match up the plugs to the holes in the surge protectors!

While Aunt Shan was here, Kadi and I were very good and did not throw up or leave skid marks on the carpet. But within an hour of Mommy being home, we tore the place up -- we were very certain that she did not like living in a clean hotel room at the Hyatt in Kansas City, Mo., without cat hair or kitty ass droppings. We were very pleased with ourselves that we impressed our aunt with our cleanliness and that we could hold out on our mass purging of bodily functions until Mommy could come home and appreciate it -- we had a week's worth of shitting and vomiting to catch up on!