Hello KittyShitty

Marketing idea: Hello Shitty! I mean, if we're going to idolize a cat, let's be real about it, shall we?

I have decided that I am going to create my own brand and usurp that prissy bland bitch Hello Kitty 'cause she's just passe. Instead of Hello Kitty erasers, I will market Hello Shitty turds that are shaped like cat heads. And I will paste my pictures on them because you will certainly want to know where such a glorious turd has come from.

That famous cat doesn't even have a mouth -- how does she call anyone an asshole, the way I call everyone asshole? I'll bet, if she doesn't have a mouth, then she can't eat and CERTAINLY that means she can't poop. What's a cat without a litterbox to miss? No wonder that bitch looks so uptight -- she ain't had a warm, wet, stinky shit in three decades!

And their logo -- "30 years of cute" -- makes me want to vomit. How about "8 years of poop"! My mommy is as old as Hello Kitty, and she used to collect that shit when she was a kid. Now she collects poop chunks from the new Queen in town (Hello Shitty!) that I scatter throughout the house like uncooked rice at a wedding reception.

Mommy says I should give up my idea of scratch-and-sniff stickers, but she's OK with toilet seat covers and pooper scoopers and barf bags. I mean, look at all the celebrities who settle for the mediocrity of the Hello Kitty line -- wouldn't you like to see a Hello Shitty beauty mark slapped on Ashlee Simpson's or George W. Bush's face? Oooh, what about those vaporizing strips that go on people's noses to help them sleep? Forget those menthol strips ... let's make 'em methane! I bet that would help all you single bitches (like Mommy) who don't have datees on Valentine's day to atract a tomcat or two! Tomcats like to smell our asses, and well, if you smell like ass, then you're likely to attract someone at some point, ya know?

And yes, I thought of all of this while my head was in the toilet and my ass was hanging out on the floor today. I figured I'd post while Mommy is scrubbing the piss outta the carpet. In any event, Happy Hearts Day and be careful about that dark chocolate you're putting in your mouth -- I've already started mass merchandising my ideas!