Queen of the porch

It's a lovely day, and Mommy let me play outside again today! Whee!

She even let Kadi out with me, but Kadi's in her cage. 'Cause Kadi's fucking dumb enough to jump off the fucking balcony and go diving headfirst into the nearby dumpster. Idiot. I would love to see it happen, though!

I have to admit that I tried to abuse my privileges today. See, there are all kinds of dried-out, crunchy leaves from Mommy's dead palm tree. So I very stealthily sneaked off a big branch, took it in my mouth and tried to ever-so-quietly try to trot into the house. I was headed for the bedroom, where I planned to stash it under the bed for future use. (Like, to crunch on while Mommy's sleeping to torture her a bit. LOL)

Anyway, I guess she heard my fat ass waddling by -- apparently my thighs must rub against each other 'cause she said she could hear the swishing sound (BITCH!). So, she caught me with the greenery in my mouth. Whoops!

I didn't know whether to shit or go sailing (well, I think YOU know the answer to THAT! Always pick shit. Always!), so I decided to keep my branch and go ripping toward the bedroom.

Unfortunately, my "ripping" across the house happens at about 2 mph, and Mommy might have a fat ass herself, but she's faster. And her legs are a lot longer. So, she got me.

She took the branch and thanked me for cleaning up the porch. Then she disposed of it. Humph. After I get done typing this entry, I'm gonna go outside and try to get me another one. Failing that, I'm gonna get Kadi out of her cage and throw her on the grill.

Mommy blogged about Kadi today. She said, "I swear, if she were human, she'd be the type of child who murders its family and spends its life institutionalized." I totally agree with her assessment of the lil hellion!!!

Night out!

Tonight is the best night in my miserable, hairball-filled life.

Because Kadi busted out our patio screen door awhile back, we've had no fresh air in the hacienda for quite some time. So tonight, Mommy locked her in the bedroom and left the door open. I was very good at first and only hung out inside the door. Then I got brave and let my head and front paws rest on the cement (but my ass was happily nestled on the carpet -- everybody knows you shouldn't poop and wipe your ass on cement -- that shit would HURT!!!).

But then I got REALLY ballsy and just went on outside. Mommy has a bunch of dead plants out there, and since the bitch never fed us dinner, I delighted in having a lil' snacky-snack on the dried-out leaves.

Mommy could hear me crunching, but she didn't care. She just told me to throw up on the balcony before I came back in. I was thrilled to have her regard me as the grown-up, responsible cat that I am -- she trusts me to not try to haul my fat ass over the railing and run for the hills. Lord knows my furry behind wouldn't fit between the rails, so she says she didn't have anything to worry about. BITCH!!!

So, all in all, Kadi gets locked up (and is therefore outta my ass fur) and I get -- as Mommy would say -- the stink blown offa me. What a night! I'm gonna go back outside before she locks up the house for the evening!

Back that ass up

For Lent, I gave up continence. And Mommy keeps reminding me that Easter is over so would I PLEASE learn to hit the box again?!?!

I gotta give her credit; she did give us a fresh box on Thursday morning. Which I promptly missed. Three times. Now, y'all know I *~*heart*~* pooping on the floor, but I also peed on it. See, she's mad 'cause I don't back my ass up into the box. Oh, no, I go in headfirst and let my ass hang out for the world to admire. That means I piss everywhere. It brings me joy. You know how senior citizens can be brassy and outspoken, and we are simply required to regard them as our elders (i.e., people we don't bother correcting anymore)? Well, that's me -- I'm 63 in human years, and as the token "old broad" in the house, I will piss wherever I goddamned well want to.

Mommy, however, had other ideas. When I hopped into the bathroom sink this morning for my tap water toddy, she washed my ass and grabbed the scissors and sculpted a work of art on my ass. I bitched and moaned the whole time, even though my ass smells like her antibacterial soap (Moonlit Path, from Bath and Body Works) and NOT like poop chunks.

Perturbed, I took my sopping wet ass and plopped it on her tax forms, 'cause the lazy bitch STILL hasn't gotten her taxes done. Tee hee. I LOVE exacting revenge for Happy Ass Washing Days!!!

They say it's your birthday ...

... it's my birthday too!

I'm 9 years old today! By all standards, an old fart, but I'd much prefer to shit than fart any old day!

Mommy had the audacity to leave me in charge of babysitting Kadi as she went back to Pittsburgh for Easter last weekend. Humph. At least the bitch left us food. Not that I would have wanted to make the car trip, though -- but I got the best surprise from Grandma, who sent along turkey from Honeybaked Ham, just for me! And Grandma even cut it up into lil bite-sized pieces so that Mommy could jump out of the car and throw me a handful and not have to waste any time in gettin' me fed. Grandma rocks socks!

Speaking of socks, I guess I wasn't used to *good* food, because I threw up that sumptuous turkey into Mommy's laundry basket of clean socks. I don't know if she's even noticed it yet. ;)