Caterwauling

When really mean, entitled folks are enjoying themselves and they probably forget how they treated people far less lucky. 

Apparently I talk a lot more when anxiety isn’t crippling me. Or so I’m told. Some folks forgot I have a voice. 

I love waking up without crippling anxiety. Wish it would last a lot longer than just this glorious week. 

Just in time for him to return to palm beach for the fourth time since ignoramus-ation day. 

Need to cancel an outing. Thought I’d be nice. But when you’re made to feel like you owe someone because they were nice to you, nope. Bully. Rather be alone than wish I were. Rather be alone than be a victim and yes, I am that concerned. 

I called upon my higher self this week. Asked to speak to 45-year-old me. Give or take three years from now. 

I asked her what I can do now to ensure she’s healthy and sane and alive to vote in 2020. What does she need?

I did connect with her. She gave me a dream. In that dream I saw a woman too cha-cha for words. She wore a feather boa and glitter top hat and a cute dress. It almost distracted from the clumps of missing hair and sad lines near her eyes. 

She was interviewing for a job. Even though her personality was massive, she calmly said thank you when they gave it to her. 

I asked her why no big gushing fuss, like we always have to do when someone we don’t like gives us what we need. 

She said darling, they are giving me less money than I’m worth … .

To do work they are too lazy to do or to keep their schedule wide open to screw their mistresses

And they WANT me to kiss their ass for the privilege of working nights and weekends and missing all the joy that life wants to give ME …

So darling, next time you work yourself into a pit of exhaustion every day …

And then lie awake all night with anxiety that you answer to people who can take away your paycheck just because they have and can and might because they won’t take their place under the bus  …

Remember me and how I am struggling to overcome the health problems and broken soul you handed me. 

You can change, darling, yes. But will you?

Among other things. 

Found this DailyWorth.com snippet fascinating. They say set money goals if that works for you.  And if that gives you anxiety, then don’t. 

I feel the same way about career, family and relationships. Hi, here’s my goal. Oh hey look, a decade has passed and, well, fuck. Look at the time!

I don’t know that it’s right. But it’s good to know I am not the only one who gets demoralized easily. 

Kind of interesting how people will tell others when they are feeling demoralized. (Unrelated and cryptic mention here.)  Not saying anything either way. Just wondering how they handle it. Either they, really. This is one of those moments that shape you. Does iron sharpen iron, or poison you? 

When I heard about the shooting at FLL yesterday, a song I used to love came to mind, “What if it All Means Something?”

Then I read a witness account from a gal who met a lovely lady and her husband on the plane. They became instant friends. They walked to baggage claim together, got their stuff and hugged goodbye. 

A second later, the husband got hit by gunfire and his wife was dead of a bullet to the head. 

The lady was inconsolable. This was her new friend who was about to start her vacation. 

Which is my big fear, you know. Next to unemployment and dying as alone as I’ve lived. Being wiped out before my vacation and not at least after it. 

The lady who lived said she believes in a higher power and someone was certainly looking out for her that day. 

I say things like that too when I’m fortunate like her. I do like to think God dispatched an army of angels with my well-being in mind. 

But then I think about that wounded widower, and I just can’t breathe properly. 

What the hell are we here for, is that I want to know. What the hell am I here for? For the experience? To annoy Trump voters with logic? To keep taking care of stray animals and fellow loners the world has forsaken? To be an example or a really good warning? What?

Or do you just live, pay taxes, elect a dictator and die?

And without having a legacy to leave, just return to the ether like I was never even here?