Caterwauling

Midnight of a New Moon

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

If I didn’t have this view, I’d have already jumped off of this damn building.

I’d give anything to have never rented two condos in Amityville. ANYTHING.

I just can’t afford this anymore. I thought I could do it. But with the ongoing anxiety attacks (O HAI those weren’t blueberries in my cereal this morning — THEY WERE ANTS), I’m ready to give it all up and just plummet seven stories. Or something.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. (I think — maybe it’s this coming Wednesday instead.) I have to remember to behave and not say things like, “I’m about to jump off a building” or “Yeah I take care of my mom; she’s lucky I haven’t shot her yet.” Because I DO say things like that and I know NOT to let medical personnel in on those discussions!

I picked my doctor based solely upon the fact that there is Steeler garb in the office. And so what if I’m 35 and my primary-care physician is a pediatrician? Dude, STEELER FAN!

I actually have two appointments — I’d originally called someone else and the staff was so appallingly rude and careless with me that, after mulling over it all day, I decided that I wanted to go elsewhere.

I mean, the people you talk to are the support staff, and if you don’t like them, it doesn’t matter what you think of the doctor. (I don’t think I ever met my “real” PCP in D.C.)

But at the second practice I called, they were conversational and wanted to make sure I knew where I was going and really just acted like they were glad to take me on.

Anyway, I’m looking to get medicated — for hyperthyroid, of course. Although Xanax wouldn’t hurt. 🙂

Actually, I don’t want anything mind-altering. I think back to Sunday at church when my (very attractive. Yes, someone’s hot for preacher) pastor said that the same people keep coming to him to ask him to pray about the same things.

And he does but he wants them to remember that they already have their answer — praying about it doesn’t change that. “You know what you have to do. So do it,” he said generally, to all of us.

I know what I have to do. Which is not to burn down the building, tempting though that may be. I need to suck it up for a year. I can do anything for a year. And I need to run screaming the second my leases are up.

But just as importantly, I’ve got to find some joy in the meantime. I’ll have disposable cash again. Someday. But the apartment’s downright hopeless at this point — I should just buy an air mattress and camp out on the balcony.

And maybe I’ll try not to roll over and plummet to sea level. Maybe. Can’t promise anything at this rate! 😉

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 PM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.