Comin’ Out
Spent the day alone. Loved it. Needed it. Need more of it.
Mom told me today that for as miserable as I was in Pittsburgh at my horrible last job there, I was a thousand times happier than I am here in Alexandria, Va. She said I sound older, seem worn-out and depressed, and can’t paste a true smile on my face to save my life. Funny how “my life before” would have been less taxing on my emotions, but even though I was pissed when she said it, I see her point. In a big way.
But could I even go back to Pgh at this point? Would I get the same salary and level of responsibility that I had when I left? Hell no. While I might’ve felt I was dying on the vine up there, I’ve brought that vine down here and have essentially hanged myself with it. I’m behind by 1 car insurance installment, 2 car payments and 3 student loan payments (or is it 4?), with no bloody way of ever catching up. I miss my old apartment. I miss dating dozens of people. I miss having money to burn to compensate for my depression.
I was really liking it here, or so I thought. But my social life is not what it once was, and my finances, well, see above. And there is other stuff that I don’t put into this blog, not necessarily for fear of hurting anyone (some days, just ask me if I care), but it’s more so that I don’t air dirty laundry. I can rip someone to shreds in a sentence, but this is not the forum to do that, if ever it should be appropriate at all.
But I can’t go back. I can only go forward. Not sure where I am going to get the gumption to do so, but once my damn period ends, perhaps I will regain my humanity and get my life back together. 
On a strange note, I heard from F/OM, my old boss, today. I love him. I really do. He was tough as nails on me, but I know he loved me right back, ’cause I didn’t take his shit — and most of that shit came from HIS boss, HRP, anyway. He was just the sieve. At any rate, a few things he said inspired me to write a LONG e-mail response about what is REALLY happening in my life. I held little back. Told him about Shan, IKEA Boy, RK, my own adventures with sexual liberation, etc. — perhaps it was TMI, but the boy’s got a sense of humor, and I’m sure he knew all about me, anyway. I’m in his club. Also, I complained about the assholes who run the Veggie Patch — F/OM is furious on my behalf that I am making peanuts and am made to feel (by everyone other than my boss) like I am worthless to them. He is smoking about that — he keeps encouraging me to fight for myself, to not let them get away with not paying me what I am worth (although, arguably, I am worth more than any stupid company can ever pay me). That makes me very happy, because I busted my ass when I worked for him, and he knows the wonderful things of which I am capable.
I’d once joked with Susan that F/OM (who is now HER supervisor) and I should get together and produce a kid. She had said that such a kid would be a fabulous specimen of humanity, given his smarts and my, well, je ne sais quoi. LOL. I think the kid would be too brilliant and talented to even BE human, but it’s an interesting idea, to mesh our gene pools. How much does that in vitro stuff cost? hee hee. If I have a kid, it has to be a genetic masterpiece, and I think having F/OM for its daddy (and Jay as its stepparent) would ensure that fact. :0)
And one last thought about Brat, as I wrote about him today … my heart is absolutely going to break when/if I ever learn that he’s in a relationship or that he’s proposed to someone other than me. I know it’s inevitable, but it just occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t so special to him. And that wounds me more than anything on earth.