Feel free to beat me with the tiny violin you’re playing for me

I drove to work feeling good today. We were off on Monday, but I came in anyway and put in my first-ever eight-hour workday. It’s amazing what you can get done on your own.

Before my 8 a.m. arrival today, I’d put in 42 hours already. Not that I’m looking for a pat or even an acknowledgment, but it’s more like a small congratulations to myself for busting my ass to keep things as on-track as I possibly can. Even if it always seems like I’m behind, I know I’m producing higher-level work at a higher frequency than most.

Anyway, while I was driving, I had a flashback to an interview I had back in 2011. I was desperate for a job and nervous as hell as I waited for my interviewers. (I didn’t get the job.)

I remember watching all the employees come and go, not just from that company but from others that inhabited that building. I was so jealous that they had jobs. And so irritated at how many of them looked absolutely angry or defeated or just plain dead behind the eyes.

I would have traded my life for any of theirs that day, just to know a paycheck would be arriving.

My day started off well enough today — thank God I stayed late last night to prepare for another super-busy Friday. But alas the specter of MORE WORK, and more work that doesn’t fall into my area of expertise, gave me that tired feeling that I saw on all those employees’ faces at that other building.

Alas, at a moment like this, I whip out my gratitude journal and simply thank God that the next paycheck is coming on schedule. And my mood will have been significantly improved by then. And that, unlike those others I saw impersonating zombies at the other building, I can find my grace.

I’m glad that no matter how trying some situations or days may be, I’m still a thousand times better off than I was then. I was a sad, desperate girl who completely flubbed the interview because my confidence had only been tied to compensation in the past.

No job, no worth — self or otherwise.

Even though right now I’m having a small moment of weakness (retrograde seems to be starting a day early — just because I got everything prepared last night doesn’t mean it’s coming together easily today) to deal with, I’m still in an overall position of strength. And I really do thank God for that every single day of my life.

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