‘Never planned that one day, I’d be losing you’
Dearest S.,
Saying happy birthday into the void is something I will never get used to. No matter that it’s going to be that way for as long as I remember you.
Not that losing your memory will ever happen. I’ll get to Greece and see all those breathtaking views and landmarks you waxed poetic about over American wines you said were just as good as what you had over there.
And to you, they probably were just as good. Even when I was horrified at some of the food and drink we were served, you savored it all like it was the best thing to touch your lips.
That’s what made everything with you such an adventure. You were so, so happy just to be doing something. And to be with me.
How could I not swoon a little, or a lot?
“Goddess, we should get married,” you said at least twice. With our respective track records, it was not the worst idea.
I pretended not to hear the first time. Because distance is my default. Can’t really lose what you never let yourself have.
But I lost you, my beloved January baby. I didn’t open up while I had you. Even though I knew you were a safe place.
That’s why the hurt is so hard to bear. You fought so hard to cultivate and keep our friendship. I was so guarded. Now, I’ll never get it back.
And I don’t know that I’ve ever really let myself grieve it. Or if I even can without falling apart.
You snuck into my heart. Now there’s a you-sized hole. With all the others, it’s a wonder there’s any heart left.
I was so mad at you for something in the end. Didn’t want to say it. Seems so silly now. Monumental losses have a way of wiping out those little hurts.
Yesterday I said goodbye to a colleague I might not see again. But then again, he lives in a state that’s on my itinerary for 2020. So who knows. I said it would do my heart good to run into him again and he agreed. But if not, he said may your soul be well.
Boy did his quiet voice reverberate loudly. We follow our hearts and turn things over in our minds. But our souls are our true north.
You always listened to your soul and followed it to all the ends of this earth. It’s taken me a while but I’m finally going to do the same.
I know I won’t run into you. But I’ll take the best of you with me. And there was a whole lot of that.
God I wish you were here. If only for the reason that my enemies were yours and we’d have totally been shit-talking over souvlaki and you’d probably have avenged any injustice against me by morning.
Tonight, I’ll drink tequila with someone new. Someone I’m not afraid to love or lose. Someone who will be around as long as I will.
These soul connections are so, so rare. Thank you for ours.
Cheers to you.
<3,
Goddess
ETA: Saw this in a store today. I hope you are there and loving the view.
