Caterwauling

I was telling my friends about the whole anti-semite shite.

My friend said he was called a groomer for not wanting libraries to remove books that some wacko fake religious people are mad about.

And now today, I got called an old white racist.

I laughed.

Some influencer bought a Tesla and was looking for compliments. I said it’s really not a flex to support fascism.

So she and all her friends jumped me and said I don’t want to see a Black queen succeed. That I wish I had that money to buy braces.

I said you can drive that discontinued Swastikar to Target, for all I care.

I’m over here supporting YOU by not giving my money to people who actively hate women and Black women specifically.

But, by all means, do you.

Maybe I’ll start going back to Target after all this.

Someone I follow was down in the dumps after cancer treatment.

She said anyone have good news, please share it.

I said myself and another are going to fly to a city from our respective cities. From there, we’ll fly together to a destination city.

I booked my seat on an airline I don’t like, in the back of the plane (which I really don’t like) but I was so stoked for this trip.

This person messaged me from the middle city to ask where I was.

On the phone with my boss of the same name as said city. My flight leaves tomorrow.

Well. Lil communication snafu apparently.

I just wish I were A) there or B) on any other airline.

I did make myself feel better with a big fat seat upgrade.

Still. Just annoyed because I checked everything three times before I dropped that big fat comma on the airfare alone.

Half debating about taking an extra day while I’m out there.

I mean, let’s just say I don’t speak the language. I don’t know jack about any fucking thing because I expected to arrive alongside someone who does.

Now, fuck. If I gotta figure that out, might as well figure it all out, right?

I’m hardly mad. Like well, here we are.

So, this is not me saying I shoulda gone somewhere else then. Or spent that cash on an apartment I want to live in.

It’s more like, well, it’s GOT to be perfect from here, since the most annoying thing I could not POSSIBLY have anticipated already happened.

OK, Airline. Better measure up to Delta, though I already know that ain’t happening. So, just stay in the sky, hey? All right then, good chat.

Spent the weekend at the Delray Affair.

My second favorite affair.

In any event, Mom and I used to go. I worked in Downtown Delray, and I’d get lunch at one of the tents on the Friday. Then I’d bring Mom on Saturday for the full day.

We’d swing by again on Sunday to pick up a frozen lemonade for her and some chicken kebabs for the car ride to wherever we headed next.

I got a bit nostalgic this weekend. Like why am I hunting for apartments anywhere but here?

Oh because a 2BR used to cost me $1,100 and the same unit is $2,400. Before valet trash, amenity fees, convenience fees (to pay the rent) and parking fees. Which brings it up to $2,650 for a 1BR. THE HELL.

I sat with my feelings for a good long while after my Affair that took me to …

Barcelona (wine bar)

Dada (my Disney)

And Rose’s Daughter.

Which … being Rose’s granddaughter at Rose’s Daughter was an emotional roller coaster I was not ready for.

Though the prosciutto and melon and the carpaccio?

Ready for those!

I hate being priced out of my paradise.

“I’m just getting the color back into my face.
I’m just mad as hell ’cause I loved this place
For so long, London.
Had a good run
A moment of warm sun
But I’m not the one.”

Tarot keeps giving me The World about Delray. Completion.

The end of the Affair, as it were.

“Living without her
Living at all
Seems to slow me down
Living forever
Hell, I don’t know.”

From Taylor Swift to Ben Howard. I need to do a mashup.

I got the Ten of Wands today about it all, too.

Wonder if I would have gotten different cards if I didn’t have to hit the damn lottery to stay in my own damn town.

Came home around 7:30 p.m.

Saw a cuddle puddle of street cats out in the lot. Four of them, asleep together under a car.

They didn’t even stir when they heard my car.

I wanted to scoop them all up and take them home. But I didn’t.

We got our resident directory yesterday.

I looked for the people I hate most. Still not dead.

I also looked for Rita, the lady who takes care of the cats.

She’s gone.

Some other lady is in her unit, and not her roommate.

I remember Rita saying she and the roommate were probably going to move because the HOA costs are out of fucking control.

That was while I was still feeding the kids too.

I panicked. What if she left and I was stuck with the job forever?

When I stopped feeding, it was partially that my brain was a mess over Cocoa and Mom.

It was also partially that I was sick of dealing with these fuckhead neighbors over the small act of giving a cat something little to get through the day.

But it was a big part that I was not planning to stick around, so it made sense to just tell Rita figure it out and rally the neighbors if she could to replace me.

Who knew I’d be here longer than her.

She had promised me she’d keep a gate key and come back. I’d said the same thing when we left Renaissance Commons. We did go back a bunch of times. But dealing with two sets of asshole neighbors (there and here) was too much.

I still have that gate key in my car.

And I still feel like ass for all the animals I’ve fed who still need to eat. I never wanted to be a hero, but I never wanted to be someone else who let them down, either.

Honestly Rita kept promising to capture and rehome them all. Surprised she would leave without making good on that. She was always flaky, though. But no one loved those kids like she did.

Poor babies, let down by all of us now.

After my friend E. asked me if I was antisemitic for — gasp — a meme that (correctly) expressed my frustration with zionists (among others) …

She’s returned to liking all my posts.

Look, I had no problem cutting off all my MAGA connections.

Turns out, I don’t give a fuck about my Democratic ones, either.

I got so sick of her commenting on all my shit (positively!) that I hit the unfriend button.

That’s the thing when “your person” dies.

That’s the relationship you should have saved (ok maybe not from death, though I did try).

Any other relationship?

Expendable.

I don’t have hard feelings.

But I don’t need to be reminded every time I see them of how angry their question made me.

I mentioned this shit to one of my Black staffers.

She said, “You? Is she CRAZY? You love everyone. You treat us all so well. I can’t imagine you being anything other than loving.”

That was perspective I needed desperately in that moment.

It made me realize that, as a supervisor, I have learned how to approach people better than most.

So I can’t get too mad at someone asking me something bluntly rather than thoughtfully.

I’ve ignored people’s comments. Like Renee’s family and their shitty comments about “brown people.”

I’ve also been more direct with, “Hey, I know your heart. But that phrase you used can be triggering for some. Just wanted to let you know it may be taken in a way you don’t want.”

I’ve also done the fake apology, as I did with the antisemitic shit. The “I’m sorry it came across a certain way.” Which she took as a genuine apology.

Which it wasn’t.

Fuck Netanyahu. Fuck Trump for capitulating to him. Fuck everyone who can’t see that the Holocaust and the genocide in Gaza and Ukraine are REALLY FUCKING SIMILAR.

Wanting a free Palestine makes me this? Insane.

Not to falsely equate the Holocaust with modern genocide, because that isn’t the intent. But also not to act like they aren’t achieving the same outcome through modified means.

I know Mom really liked E. She liked Renee too. And she loved Mike.

But she could still separate how they spoke to/treated me from the best she saw (or wanted to see) in them.

And she’d still think (insert name of someone I avoid like trumpers avoid vaccines) was a motherfucking dick.

Film at 11 for that one. God I hate this asshole, more today than usual, but at least I don’t have to pretend to be friends. But i also can’t cut him off.

I am well aware of all the times I smile and laugh and “9.0 hair flip!” for someone who would wipe their ass with my hair.

I’m also well aware of how I slam down the phone and can’t speak to anyone for four hours after that performative nonsense on my part.

White men and accountability, amirite?

An old college friend passed this week.

I sent his partner a note to say wow, they’d been each other’s person since we all had a “1” in our ages.

Long before we all had a “5” in front of it.

I didn’t ask her any questions. Not even when I got the funeral arrangements.

When another of our college friends passed — one of MY people — she reached out and was respectful in that same way.

I wasn’t ready to talk. I’m still not.

That’s the thing. We owe NOBODY.

Anyway, I’m sad that there’s no longer a world with Jason in it.

Good looking guy. So sweet. Cat dad. Liberal. Loved his lady, nature, his family and friends.

I mean, even if I didn’t already know him as a great person, I would have guessed that this was a tragic loss.

But knowing them both as I did — and she and I have stayed fairly connected — I know the size of a hole that his absence leaves.

I know she went through some major shit with her job recently. Eventually landed somewhere great.

But I remember thinking, how nice to have a partner who supports you burning your career to the ground to take a stand against injustice there.

So, I liked him extra for letting her be her. Just the way we like her.

Pour one out for Jason tonight, if you can. And his three cats.

Magic will tell you, no one loves you quite like the one who left you.

I read some variant of that phrase today.

A guy stole a plane in 2018. He flew over Mt. Rainier, marveling at its majesty. He took in some other mountains. Eventually, he crashed the plane in a non-populated area, apologizing to everyone who loved him.

“He didn’t survive, but he lived,” read one of the comments.

I thought about Mom when I read that.

We lived a small life. But she always said I gave her more of a life than any man did or could.

I thought about my grandfather, always so happy with so little. I spoiled Mom as best as I could. Though I could have done better. Did as much as she’d let me.

Like my grandfather, she was so grateful for so little. A good meal, a waterfront house, a couple weekend trips a year.

I barely looked at her because I worked so much. But she spent long days making crafts with Kadie and collecting beautiful things and memes.

And she was happy.

She didn’t survive her awful illness.

But oh how she lived. And loved.

Two Easters ago was our Last Supper.

I ordered Ruth’s Chris. The one in West Palm, though Boca was superior. But, Boca closed.

Mom was already barely eating, but showed interested in a ribeye sandwich.

Two of those, no onions, coming right up.

Well, it was one of those “oh did the customer want EXTRA onions” experiences.

Got that shit home. The bag reeked of onions. Even though I tossed the onions in a baggie and ran them straight out to the trash chute, the house reeked of onions.

I called and disemboweled the manager verbally.

He said come back and we’ll make it right.

“It’s my mother’s last Easter,” I had spat out. “We don’t get do-overs anymore.”

I know I’ve written here that the last food she had was a tiny bit of my birthday cake. (That I’d ordered early. and that she promptly threw up.)

But this was the last real meal we attempted.

She couldn’t cook anymore. She couldn’t even stand. The cancer had ravaged her organs and her bones.

Anyway I got to Ruth’s Chris for a wine tasting the other night. First time there in two years.

My rage was still palpable.

But it was also my Easter dinner, as it were, though a few days early.

And there was an amazing wine pairing happening with every course. So, had to do it.

Glad I did it.

The food was amazing, the wine was amazing.

Oh, and I won a $40 bottle of wine.

(Don’t ask me how I won it. I just WON IT, OK?)

Joe and Kathy next to me were very happy about that. Joe won a bottle too. Judy at our table was not amused.

But this was a core memory unlocked that none of them knew about.

Not that the place owed me, necessarily.

But … the place certainly gained favor with me after two years of not going near it.

My friend who incited that Democrat on Democrat violence has continued to like all my posts and make nice comments.

I blocked her.

For fucking real, if I had the audacity to say oh do you not like fat people (which I am) … because they posted a meme that is ANTI PEDOPHILE and ANTI GENOCIDE … I would hope they’d block me, too.

I’d say I don’t know why I’m still annoyed.

But I know why.

Just because you close a door, doesn’t mean you don’t look at it sometimes.

At least we’ll always have our annoyance with Don’t Treadmill on Me and one of their specific minions in common.

An old friend got mad at some meme I posted about being sick of waking up in a world where old white men are killing women and girls.

The word Zionist was used. A word I have never used in my life. But one I thought was correct in its context. And yes I did that gut check before I posted it.

So my friend, who’s known me over a decade, decided I’m an anti-Semite.

I got to talking to another friend. Not about that, but about how I have always voted others’ interests above mine.

How I put up with low-EQ people in the world and workplaces and everywhere and try to see life from THEIR viewpoints.

When they haven’t (yet, I hope) learned how to do the same for me and anyone else.

How I excuse THEM for being good at, say, running a business and not necessarily talking to the people in it.

And then to have someone — first of all, call me that shit over A MEME — incite what i can only call Democrat-on-Democrat violence …

And dude, I SEE why people vote for the pedophile party.

I mean, I have heard the pedo and even adult-woman grape rumors for years and not just about tRump.

But, yeah, if we are all gonna hold each other accountable BUT NOT THE GODDAMN RACIST PEDO RAPISTS in charge, come the actual fuck on.

I didn’t feel held accountable. I felt inconvenienced.

Yes I believe Israel has the right to a homeland. But I also believe it has no goddamned right to exterminate Palestinians to have it.

So if that makes me hate that particular Zionist and his henchmen, do I REALLY need to explain that to someone who — I thought — believes the same?

Wanted to say honey I checked my biases 20 years ago. I went through a lot of self-reflection and soul-searching. I am wildly aware that even though I’ve gone through some shit because of privileged white men, I’ve benefited from the system in a way my brothers and sisters have not. And it’s up to me to speak for them.

What I did say was a very I am angry at any goddamned white man who doesn’t know how to fucking act and SO SORRY IF THAT OFFENDED YOU.

I haven’t been back on the socials since.

Her reply was oh I didn’t think you were antisemitic, just had to check.

Which only made me more annoyed.

I mean, I treat the Z word like the N word. Don’t let it leave your lips.

Now I’m over here wondering who else has some big feelings about me posting it as one of the dozen memes I usually post in a day.

No I’m not really thinking that. I’m over here streaming the “Elizabeth Taylor” music video since the pedophiles in charge have cut AIDS funding but proceeds from Taylor Swift’s new video go to Elizabeth Taylor’s AIDS foundation.

If anyone wants to challenge someone like me about not being sensitive about others who need help more than I ever will, they can kiss my pudgy pork roast butt.

I’d “cry my eyes violet” but I’ll save my tears for the useless 11 am meeting with DTOM. Who I can assure you does not think about how any of their comments land on anyone.