Caterwauling

*as we are not allowed to say “holiday” this year*

Attention: There’s a question for YOU at the end. We’re all interactive here at Chez Caterwauling!

Meme stolen from the ever-debonair and clever Pratt:

Year of the first Christmas you can remember.
1981. I so totally got my Sweet Thunder 2 bike that my family wouldn’t let me ride because my grandmother was convinced I’d die riding it. Because she knew somebody who died doing whatever life activity you wanted to do, as was convenient for the sake of the argument. So, in effect, my “Thunder Road” was really the driveway and no further away from the house than that.

An early Christmas memory?
Same year as above. Was dragged to evil ex-stepfather’s house where his father was dressed as Santa Claus (his mother was Satan Claus). I had to refrain from telling the younger kids that it wasn’t the *real* Santa. They all got loads fantastic gifts for being his biological granddaughters. I got one thing, and it was something stupid that Mom let me throw away the next day. No wonder I got the damn bike. 😉

Next, let’s visit Thanksgiving memories, when the alcoholic stepfather threw the beautiful cooked (read: not consumed yet) turkey against a wall in a drunken fit. Whee dysfunction.

Ever in a holiday play? When?
Nope. I wasn’t exactly a “joiner.”

Did you play a role? What was it?
I was the kid in the audience who mocked the actors for weeks.

Favorite holiday ornament (Past and present)
Past: Anything Garfield. I was upset when Hallmark stopped making Garfield ornaments, but I have yet to pick up any of the ones in the American Greetings collection. Because I always say I’ll get it at half-price after the holiday, and then the thought of being around vicious bargain-shoppers squicks me out.

Present: I designed an ornament when I worked in fund-raising years ago, which was sold in a major department store chain. It was the only year in that charity’s history that they sold out of all 25,000 ornaments that we produced. It was a gold filigree, three-layered scene of Pittsburgh, and I put it in a black velvet box and wrote a little narrative on how Pittsburgh is the only city that outfits all of its major sports teams in identical colors — black and gold.

Decoration you dread seeing every year?
I got home late last night and I realized how nobody decorates outside anymore (damn energy bills). Honestly, I love lights — especially blue and/or white. I just hate big, air-inflated Santas and reindeer in the stores and on lawns — who ever thought THAT was attractive?

That said, here’s my absolute favorite holiday site for this sort of thing.

Classic Christmas song you never get tired of:
I rarely hear it, and it will surprise those of you who’ve known me as an atheist-turned-pagan-turned-agnostic-turned-believer, but I love “The Jesus Gift.”

Classic Christmas song you loathe:
“The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” — I spent one season working in the Trim-a-Home shop at Kaufmanns, and if I heard that song One More Time, I was ready to impale customers with candy canes.

Modern Christmas song you never get tired of:
Pratt suggested “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses, which is a great one. Although I must bow before “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” CD. “Christmastime in Hell” warms my cold little heart. 😉

Modern Christmas song you loathe:
I HATE HATE HATE “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.” Was that Paul McCartney? Shoot him. That was cruel of him to release into the world. Auditory rape, I say. ARGH.

Naughty or Nice?
Nice is boring. And I loathe boring. Peace on earth, and a piece of ass. It’s all I really want for Christmas. Or any day, really.

If you have a Christmas tree, real or artificial?
None, although the artificial one’s in the basement, waiting for me to one day bring it upstairs. But I’ll be gone for most of the rest of this month, and evil kittehs would take it down and snack on it in my absence were it available to them.

Any holiday traditions unique to your family you’d like to share?
That we’d want to share. Hah. Priceless!

When my grandmother died six years ago, we let Christmas go with her, because she was the one who loved that holiday and made it exquisite.

These days, we always have a cozy little dinner — just my mom, grandfather and me. Presents are scarce because we’re always so broke, although we try to do little things for each other. Mom always does a tiny tree for my grandfather — she changes the theme every year but did patriotic last year (sparkly red, white and blue) because he’s a World War II vet and is very proud of that.

I remember having huge, sparkly sugar plum trees as a kid, with glittery lights and candies, and that remains my favorite theme. When it came time to do my own trees, I went for simple glittery crystal ornaments and blue lights — somehow, the sugar plum tree only seems to have magic when Mom is the one putting it together. I went for elegant and totally not-cat-friendly. Hence why my stuff has been packed away since before I got my hellcat Kadi in 2003!

If you were an elf what would your elf name be?
According to this elf name generator, it’s Peppy Angel-Pants.

Favorite Christmas Movie:
I loved “Bad Santa” in a really unnatural way. 😉

Best Scrooge Ever:
Bill Murray (in “Scrooged”)

Favorite Christmas Special:
“A Charlie Brown Christmas” — I have the DVD.

Favorite Misfit Toy:
The polka-dotted elephant. I always had a soft spot for toys with character.

Have you ever re-gifted?
You know, I don’t think I have. I cannot consciously give a shitty gift.

Do you still rush out and shop on the 24th?
Only if I find myself invited somewhere and I need a hostess gift. I really don’t shop for the holidays — and when I do, I do it relatively early because I cannot STAND crowds.

Can you wrap presents well?
With hospital corners, my friends. I excel at wrapping, and I will only buy holographic paper. My grandmother taught me all about wrapping, down to making my own bows and curling ribbon. Although you can buy the latter items pre-made, not to mention the advent of the gift bag, so guess what I do instead?

What’s one thing you know will always be in your Christmas stocking?
In a word, nothing. 😉 But theoretically, the hope that maybe NEXT year will be the one that doesn’t suck.

Best Christmas present ever?
The job I currently have. Because at this time last year, it had been four long months without one.

Spill a holiday secret.
Mom will hate me for sharing this. But my grandmother was confined to a hospital bed in her final years, so she couldn’t do the cooking anymore. And my mom is a tremendously fabulous cook, but just to needle her, my grandmother would tell her everything was “lousy.” One year, Gram demanded a turkey TV dinner so that she wouldn’t have to eat Mom’s. Mom burst into tears and threw a box of bandages at her. I said something snarky, and Mom threw another box of bandages at my head.

It was the best Christmas ever!

Started on your Christmas Cards yet?
I bought them. Just like every year, I buy ’em with the best of intentions and then, after the holiday, I can’t send ’em because people will think I got them half-off which I really didn’t. 🙂 I might do them on the airplane when I’m traveling later this month.

If you want one, send me your mailing address. That might get me inspired to write ’em out before the holiday passes!

Do you bake Christmas cookies?
I haven’t in a coupla years, but if I can find a day to myself, I might do a few batches. My pretzel wreaths are the prettiest on the block.

Do you leave cookies out for Santa?
Santa can have oral sex if he actually shows up. I eat better than I bake. 😉

Can I refill your egg nog?
Yes, and when you’re done, you can stuff my stocking, too.

***QUESTION FOR YOU:*** You find yourself under the mistletoe with Goddess Dawn. What do you do?

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 10th, 2005 at 11:10 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.