A firey fuckball of karma
Two nights ago, I had the best dream. I had sat down in a restaurant, looked to my left, and saw my grandfather waving at me. I had enough sense in my head to jump up and hug him and tell him how much I love him.
I awoke shortly afterward. I said a little prayer, thanking God for the dream and for being present in it enough to hug him. I haven’t dreamed of him since he left us five years ago. This was good. I was happy. I also thanked God for taking care of him, my grandmother (it was her birthday, oddly enough), my great-grandma and my kitty.
Today when my alarm went off (at 5 a.m. I’ve been working for 12 hours and have a couple more to go), it was a different story today. I was startled, scared and sick. I had a premonition that I immediately told my mom about when she woke up.
The premonition came true just a couple hours later.
I was just typing the other day about hideous, evil, awful people that “You don’t deserve what you have, but you’ll deserve what you get.” Well, I must be burning off a firey fuckball of bad karma, because today should have been victorious, but it all went *poof* in seconds.
I know life isn’t fair. But allow me a few minutes of pity party here. I try SO HARD. I am as good a person as I can be, and certainly better than most. And it really chaps mah coochie when everybody else is at least appearing to be doing so much better.
I wrote an blog awhile back on trade-offs. Like, I really want to go murder the Evil Landlady for all the repairs she gleefully ignores. But I can’t be kicked out because I don’t have a job to go get a new place. Or any money to pay for it, for that matter. *arches eyebrow*
I cried most of today. And I just finally canceled my Weight Watchers membership. I thanked them for the success and the couple good years they gave me. But oh well. Maybe some other time I’ll get to take care of me again. Load up the Waaaaahhhhmbulance.
Right now I’m in the rut of “college and working hard really DOESN’T mean success, but thanks though!”
God, I know You pick people like me to test us. And I know Your kingdom will be way nicer than this rathole that I’m grateful to have because a leaky roof is better than NONE AT ALL. It’s just … I felt like I had my joy, that no one or nothing could take it away. And today, I can’t seem to find it where I left it last.
I know I pride myself on not asking much of the universe. But maybe if I did, it wouldn’t hurt so much when I get shortchanged.
#SadPanda