Caterwauling

I need to do some writing this weekend, as a self-preservation measure. And yet, procrastination once again gets the better of me, and I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the Wonderland otherwise known as Teh Intarwebz, seeking the inspiration that has yet to come.

I’ve had a thought toiling in my head for about 20 seconds, that who I am today is the result of who I’ve become during thousands of yesterdays.

I say this to provide myself some comfort that, for anyone who resents me because of what I’m not, well, it’s because those qualities, skills, knowledge or feelings either never arose or never registered on me enough to impact the Goddess of today. And that if you feel the need for me to be versed in any of those things, I’ve never been opposed to being taught.

I have a couple of suitors out there. 😉 And I find myself in a very strange situation. Whereas, once upon a time, if I didn’t feel it right off the bat, I’d dump the whole lot of them and keep going … now, I wonder if at my advanced (biological-clock) age, perhaps either A.) I stop being so damn picky and get to trust someone on a deeper level, or B.) can’t I just pick one from this batch? I mean, how many more opportunities are going to walk up to me with the intent of romancing me?

Desperation No. 5, in stores now!

When you’ve waited so long, the way I have — and when you’ve made a couple of really bad decisions in your day, the way I have — you get caught on this tightrope of, perhaps not insecurity, but definitely indecision. When things just don’t turn out the way you thought they would — or, if you’d just had the gift of hindsight, you would tell your younger/less-jaded self to just choose differently — it’s easier to let things happen to you.

Now, I don’t leave things up to fate — perhaps, not as often as I should — because if God is truly in control, then just keep in mind that He has a full tank of gas and your ride doesn’t slow down to a complete stop just because you’re out of Dramamine. I’d rather blame myself for action than inaction.

On the other hand, it is all those yesterdays that have made this day my today. Someone else’s yesterdays — or a choice made differently 5, 10, 15 or 20 years ago — would not have led me here.

As I always say, “Some people would kill to have my problems.”

I’m emerging from an a fallow season. The harvest isn’t here yet, but the foliage is starting to come to life again. As it happens every few years, of course. I guess my ultimate struggle with faith is the doubt that I’ll ever see paradise. Sure, I find beauty in almost everything, and appreciate it more when there’s nothing but darkness and evil to be found somewhere else. But if those beautiful moments of life that have long since passed are the best it gets, well, count me out. The struggles are too great for how small the rewards have been.

But what if…

I don’t have too many more years left for do-overs. I saw some new wrinkles yesterday and it reminded me that I’m not going to age very well, so I’d better move on to the next phase of my evolution before it’s too late.

I don’t want to pick wrong this time, if I even have to choose at all. Which I do. I know I do. I feel it in the depth of my soul that this is it. This is my moment. And all my experiences, and even the lack thereof in some other cases, have brought me here.

But I guess, before I do anything, I still wonder whether a dark-horse candidate will enter the race and when I see him, I’ll just know.

If that’s the case, I hope he comes soon. …

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 20th, 2010 at 12:40 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.