Every which way but right
So, I came up with this manifesto a while back. Since life is going every which way but right, I decided that if I didn’t set goals — and eliminate any activity that does nothing to further them — I’d be in for more of the same madness.
Thus far, it seems to be working. I burned a little sage and even I’m surprised at just how much change a person can endure in a very short amount of time.
This is actually the second incarnation of my list. “Loving what I do” was fourth on the list. But now, as I am currently in a mad interviewing frenzy, I can see my future. Well, more accurately, I can see my PAST, re-manifesting if I were to take certain paths.
At this point, I have no offers or any certainty of one coming through. There are so many pros and cons that are clouding my brain for each. In a way, I am seeing my familiar old pattern creeping in, of “throwing” the process so that I don’t have to deal with having to decide whether to turn down something.
And I know, I KNOW, my job is to get to the offer stage. Because I’m living the alternative, and it ain’t fun anymore.
On the other hand, not needing dress clothes has been nice. Not filling up the gas tank regularly has saved a lot of money, too. Hanging around the house has been kind of awesome. I mean, there’s something to be said for the isolationist lifestyle.
On the other hand, I’ve missed people. Not many, mind you — and certainly not certain types you find absolutely everywhere, and all you have to do is change the name and not much else. But sitting in my living room, watching the ocean waves roll by hasn’t exactly opened me up to a world of new contacts.
But the thing is, I can’t afford to choose wrong this time. Minus the job I had in D.C. that ate up every available minute of my life (which is the one I count as the “best job ever” — work THAT out in your head about the rest), everything else has been a fizzle.
I find myself not pulling any punches when I talk to people now. Yes, I want a job. No, I don’t want to be unhappy. If I’m going to run into battles and impossible situations, I don’t think I’m your girl. But if you can promise (and I’ll take a promise, at this point) that I’ll be proud of myself and part of a good team, let’s continue the conversation, please.
I want the place where I’ll spend the next five to 10 years. I don’t want to do any more of this, “Well, I’ll put in my year.”
Of course, I’m also feeling like I don’t know crap about anything anymore. Maybe working at home has meant I’ve lost my edge. It’s been 10 months — it’s like I took an extended maternity leave and I’m coming back to find that the business world has gone on without me.
I told a dear friend last night that, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I might not be smart enough to work at X.” And she was blown away, saying, “I can’t believe the day has arrived that ANYONE doesn’t feel smart enough to work at X … least of all, you.”
And that flips my shit. Really? Me? Not good enough? What have I let people DO to me throughout the past few years? Am I THAT uncertain about my own achievements and capabilities that I don’t even feel like trying to do this anymore?
My hope is that, by this time next month, I will have gotten offers and decided well. Of course, if that is NOT the case, I guess I will live and be looking for something else, eh?
My wish list is that I want to work somewhere local (read: health coverage). I want to be close to the Keys so I can spend the occasional weekend there until I can relocate. I want to stay active in the stock markets and maybe make enough money to TRADE in those markets.
But … I want to spend time with my momma and my kitty. I don’t want to be holed up somewhere and not know how things are here. I need to buy health insurance for her (fucking county keeps rejecting us for free coverage) and I will need to take her to doctors. That’s hard to do when you are new and just can’t get away.
Then there are the other opportunities that aren’t so nearby. I am looking around and thinking, gah. If I have to move, how does that get me to the Keys? Or is that a dream I put on hold for a little while … LIKE I DO WITH EVERY DREAM I’VE EVER HAD?
There’s still the work-from-home route. But I don’t think my widdle heart can handle the money stress … and tax time will kill me. I’m pretty sure I paid half of what Warren Buffett did last year, and he made $62 million and I didn’t. I used every dime of what I’ve made. Momma needs a way to raise some cash in the meantime to pay Uncle Sam so that the other 99% don’t have to miss out on their annual Maserati upgrade.
Look, I feel better that I have opportunities to speak of. I mean, statistically, something’s got to work, right? Of course, I’m in the state with the fifth-highest unemployment number, so I know to be grateful.
I just need to be spectacular, which is hard right now. But they need to be spectacular right back, you know? I’m not giving anyone “my year” — they’re getting my heart. But I can’t go back to 100-hour workweeks, either.
My resume may say I worked one year here or nine months there, but nobody counts the hours worked nor those shaved off my life from the stress.
I know there’s no perfect workplace. I tried that this year. I worked with people I loved and got to call the shots and be creative and do mah thing. But in the end, the money isn’t there. And I’ve got a WHOLE new loyalty and respect for those who take that heart and hand over a shiny, glorious check on the day they say it’s coming.
I figure, I’ve sacrificed plenty in this life. My mental health is all I have left. And God will make everything happen the way it needs to happen. My hope is that I have my choice in the matter, and this handy-dandy lil’ list is going to be my one and only guide to making that decision, and making these things happen.