Caterwauling

New Year’s has always been “my” holiday. In years past, you could usually count on me to host the party or plan the outing. That all sort of screeched to a halt four years ago when I found myself unemployed and just not feelin’ the season. And after that, I was just too busy to really do much of anything but show up if I was invited to go out, or just chill if not.

So as I sit here, waiting to go out to what has turned into Plan C (since I said no to Plan A, and Plan B got borked because I SWEAR these men are moodier than I ever was during my period, not that I’ve seen one of those in two months but I’m thinking it’s my stress level causing my engine to misfire), I was very moved while reading Swirlspice’s “Obligatory Look Back at 2008” that I thought perhaps I should count my blessings, too, before figuring out what should make it to this year’s to-do list.

So, as I sit here listening to Winger’s cover of “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” (it’s really good!), here goes my 2008:

1. I lost (and kept off) about 45 pounds. Of course, truth be told, I lost about 70 but I keep gaining it back because of lack of willpower, stress and walking by the fucking candy corner at work 7 million times a day. Because they put me upstairs. I know not why other than to help me ruin my diet.

2. I started moving. No, not moving out, although I do have a “hope chest” filled with new bedding that’s just WAITING for a new apartment, in whatever city it will be in. If I don’t leave metro D.C. completely, I do think it’s time to vacate D.C. proper. Yes, that means registering the car in another state. (Sigh.) Good times.

2.a. What I meant by “moving” was getting up out of my damn chair and exercising. Taking the stairs at every possible opportunity. Dancing around the house during the five minutes every nine months that I get it to myself. I recently blew the cobwebs off my 5 lb. weights and also bought some ankle weights, a resistance band and a balance ball. I’m not claiming I’ve done much in the way of using them, but I have to pick them up to move ’em out of my way. So, hey, that counts as exercise, yes?

3. I got out of town without taking the Guilt Trip Express. Don’t get me wrong, Kathie Lee of the Carnival Guilt Trip Cruises is all up in mah hizzy daily with what a miserable person she thinks I am. I think Cleopatra books a first-class ticket to Egypt every time I say things like “get out of my bedroom; for the 75th time, I mean it.” I’m not sure why this living situation had to happen this way. I don’t know why it was ordained that I have to be the caregiver now. And I don’t know how to get out from under it. But do not THINK I accept “deserving” this mess.

4. I fell in love. A few times. OK, really only once, since my heart was somewhere it shouldn’t have been and was never really present when it needed to be accounted for elsewhere. As everyone probably recalls, it didn’t happen. I still don’t know why I felt what I felt, or why it failed to launch. I mean, there are always reasons, but nothing I’ve managed to find acceptable. In any case, it was good to see that the heart could expand to let someone else in, even if they didn’t choose to enter the threshold. And to prove my resilience is still intact, the heartbreak ran its course and I’ve healed. Someday, I just hope I can once again feel the way I did when I had that rush of expectation.

5. I made time for me. This was huge. For the last four years, I never made it out of work before 9 p.m. and especially not before or even DURING a holiday. But I committed to weekly Weight Watcher’s meetings and other social outings, and managed to get to 90% of them in the past couple of months. I made it late, oftentimes, but that still counts. 😉 And my mental health is all the better for it — I finally, finally have some control.

So, now that I’ve looked back in order to look forward, here’s the resolution list for 2009:

1. Continue trimming the fat, both physically AND metaphorically.

I’m approaching this over/under number that, while I’m sad to be entering the new year above said milestone, it’s really not that far away.

2. Keep on moving.

I tend to blame my lack of gym joinage on those who drain my financial resources. But by blaming others for my own failures, I’m giving away my power. And I’m taking it back NOW. My success so far has been all my own doing; any future success will be the same.

3. Travel more.

The friends and I are either going to go to a Caribbean island for a week or take a cruise to several. (Is it sad that I want to take the cruise?)

Or maybe I’ll venture somewhere else on my own. Who knows?

My real goal is to get to Paris, but that doesn’t mean I have to sit here stewing until that day comes. I am also looking at branching out more locally.

4. To not lament the fact that I’m turning 35 and am nowhere near where women are expected to be at this age, insofar as marriage/family “goals.”

Those were never my goals and I don’t see why I should be made (even if only by myself) to feel pressured to catch up to someone else’s ideals. I mean, I’ve spent the better part of my life being pudgy; it’s only now that I feel like I’m really, truly living it up. This is a hard goal because I know I’ll torture myself now and again. But when it comes down to it, I want to see the world and while I’d LOVE to have someone at my side while I do it, I’d better not hold myself back if I DON’T.

5. Find more adventure in D.C.

More friends, more men, more classes/workshops, more everything.

See ya on the other side. Happy New Year, and may it be a prosperous one for all of us!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 at 7:17 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.