‘Forget all you know, just get up and go’
“Don’t want you to see
When pain overflows
Yeah, you’re not my friend.I still think that we were meant to be
Ooh-oh, lie to me now.
I still dream that you were meant for me
Yeah, why would you doubt?…
I don’t wanna feel
This heartache and fear
I don’t wanna wait (anymore)
I don’t want to be nice.”— Elizaveta, “Meant”
Perhaps the only good thing I have to say this week is that I realized I could live without someone. Might not ever get over them fully. But, truly, I think my heart started to feel something again.
Or maybe that was my loins. Yeah, that’s definitely it.
Either way. *shrug*
I’m starting to realize that I take too damned long to make a decision. I lost out on my dream car because I was A) waffling because of the financial commitment, B) distrustful of shithead salesmen and C) listening to pseudo-psychic Mom who wondered whether there were something wrong with the car.
My dream house is still under contingency. I got in touch with the shithead realtor to inquire whether the potential renters’ pending application had been approved and to thank him for keeping me in mind if not. He’s another idiot I wouldn’t trust with someone else’s rent check. But alas, it’s my own fault that I didn’t follow up on my first inquiry sooner.
I have another “thing” I’ve been agonizing over. And really, if you don’t go after things, you don’t REALLY have a choice. My choices always seem to be the result of “I over-thought it and totally missed my shot and now it’s someone else’s.”
I got to thinking about when I took my first Florida job. The agonizing, oh, it was painful. But I rationalized (after breaking my brain) that even if it sucked, at least I’d live in Florida. So, some good came from it. Again, after coming to that conclusion, I felt I’d be OK no matter how it turned out.
So, I’m impulsive on a lot of things but man, I lose out on all the big stuff that I have to justify to myself seven ways to Sunday.
The same is true with matters of the heart. I love to follow it but I always find myself screeching to a halt and being frozen in time on my tip-toes so I don’t cross whatever line I see. Mom says it’s thanks to someone special who led me on and let me down when I fell.
“I’m not asking for sympathy (oh)
Cause I know what you need me to say
Thanks for what you have given me (Take it back)
I will always remember you watching me walking away, hey.”
I like to think that good things come in time … that other things don’t magically come together if they’re not meant to. But maybe they only come together when you take steps toward making them happen.
In any case, I fear I’m about to lose something else due to obsessing about it instead of just DOING it. And as always, I only have myself to blame, if I blow this one too. …