Ick-arus
When I was in school, elementary on up, I was never shy about letting a boy know when I liked him.
I always regretted it. I always got made fun of. And he was never worth the ridicule. But that was the thing. I never felt embarrassed or anything less than entitled to my thoughts.
Today I got my performance review. It was an interesting mix of 2s and 5s. Like, the extremes were mostly accurate, and kind of hilarious when you think about it.
A few things are stuck in my mind. And I will be up all night ruminating about those. But, Mom overheard me and she said you stood the hell UP for yourself. So, at least there’s that.
BUT.
While it’s fair to tell me I am way too casual (I believe I’d call it loose-lipped) with my staff, I don’t really look back with much regret.
Cringe, sure. I probably shouldn’t have, say, confessed how much I don’t like someone. Who has been a complete jerk to me publicly.
Dave always said I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wouldn’t pretend to be on board with some big fucked up changes six jobs ago. Eventually, I did get on board. I just needed to vent about it first.
(Also I got all fives for loyalty. Again.)
Anyway, maybe I won’t lose any sleep. I am loyal to me.
I say when I like the boy. And I say when I hate the girl.
I am QUITE attuned to my judgments. And they were accurate at the time I said them.
I know my lesson probably should be to just do my job and not let my guard down.
But I think my lesson is to continue to be my authentic self. I don’t apologize for liking XYZ or kissing ABC in class. (Oops!)
Nor do I cease to enjoy the Taylor Swift treadmill video when she faceplants. For reasons best left unexplained.
I’m turning 30-ish this weekend, which I am sure mINDY will celebrate wherever she is. Speaking of people I have An Opinion about. And people I got too close to.
I got too close to everyone, really. Icarus flies too close to the sun, too often. And most of these people have put the “Ick” in Icarus.
But honestly, I get close — I get what I need out of people, even if it’s not enough but it’s all they can give — and they flame out. Sucks but I don’t expect much more.
So whoever is snitching … or more likely, the AI is betraying me … whatever. I am not going to be any less me to appease anyone.
Maybe the lesson was that I should have changed the first thousand times it got me in trouble. Or maybe the lesson is to say deuces and say hey, it’s the rest of YOU and the things that MAKE ME CRAZY that need to change, eh?