‘If the world isn’t turning / Your heart won’t return / Anyone, anything, anyhow’
Gemini horoscope: “If you close your mind, you will inevitably shut out some people who could enrich your life in ways you don’t yet understand.”
This provided a bit of a wake-up call today. Because while I’ve been sitting around aspiring to the job of God so I can freely judge (some) people, I realize I can very easily lose someone else in the process.
I have so many snarky comments to make about something. Not about the person I care about. I am very protective of that person. I just want to show said individual that they are worthy of so much more … that someone who causes them pain now will cause them nothing but grief for as long as they allow it … that they can have it easy if only they’d just let things happen the way they should.
I struggle between “letting things happen as they should” and what I believe is “doing the right thing” because I just can’t stand idly by and watch people actively prevent their own happiness because they think it will make for absolutely awesome conditions, the more they deprive themselves now.
And then a morning like this comes along, and it hits me — I’ve said enough. I’ve worried enough. I’ve cried and pontificated and stressed and prayed and loved my friend enough. My work here is pretty much done, especially if said friend decides that I’ve said too much.
The bigger realization I’ve come to today is that I’ve been distracted for far too long. I remember telling this friend that “if it’s hard or it hurts, it’s wrong.”
Well, people choose their own pain. And this is how I’ve chosen mine.
I need to learn from myself, don’t I?
I’ve lost a lot of time wondering and worrying and wishing. I don’t want to let go — I’ll never let go. But it’s high time to worry about what I’m doing more than what my friend is.
As they say, it’ll be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right yet, then it’s not the end.
And I don’t want it to end because my way of showing that I care has mostly been to curse the “sundown,” as it were. Since I am the sunrise and all and I am a beam of awesomeness that can eradicate the shadows and bring the light to life.
Anyway.
I offer my light and my life and my love and everything a friend could want and need. But I need to keep in mind to only do it when asked or when otherwise appropriate.
And let’s face it, I’ve forgotten everything *I* want out of life in the process. The distraction — nay, the obsession — has made me dead inside, made me cry, made me question everything and, worst of all, made me stop focusing on not just becoming better at my vocation, but at even doing it at a capacity that reflects my abilities.
Basically, I have put myself in a position that having my say in one area could cost me everything else.
Silly sunshine girl. Focus, my dear, on what you CAN control. And in the immortal words of the artist Travis, “Love will come through — it’s just waiting for you.”