Leaping
Had a mini-revelation a minute ago.
So all my friends are having Life Events and I remain in my own little shitshow where the house is literally falling apart (and I have the memo from the management company telling us to stay off the balconies because they are crumbling to prove it) … both cars suck (I live on the edge, going between one car whose brake lines are rusted and one of those lines BROKE Saturday, and the car where the wheel bearings are shot and I just don’t care enough to find the money when Mom’s car is costing me $1,500 THIS MONTH ALONE) … and well, yeah. That Thing I Do All Week is just more fun than words can allow too.
Anyway, an old friend is getting married. I looked up her fiance’s profile today and see they work at the same place. Hmm. I remember her last job, which she loved, and the batshit asshole for whom she worked, who fired her for no real reason. She knew the firing was coming eventually but she was so very loved and so damn competent, she got let go for some fabricated bullshit.
Anyway, she had to be let go to find the new employment situation and, thus, to find her husband-to-be. Mind boggling.
I have been wishing for a long time that I could get back to untouchable status like I had at the job where I spent five years in D.C. I could say or do anything and I felt invincible. Sure, the tip-top brass contained some boneheads, but I had a great department and they worshiped the quicksand I walked on.
And I feel like nothing I can do anywhere else since then gets me back up on that wonderful pedestal where I felt like I was safe. Even though I’m incredibly competent and have about four times the experience I did then, I always wait. For recognition, for people to be in awe of me, for a feeling of comfort that I am so uniquely qualified and suited for my role that I couldn’t get canned if I tried.
Anyway, I’ve been holding on to these shit cars and this shit apartment in the hopes of avoiding something worse. But I look at my friend who was sad to see her job gone, and look at her now. I’m not wishing away my job — just the people who make it more difficult than it needs to be — so that can/should stay.
But if I take one big leap, that can lead to another leap and another, maybe a new home will lead to finding a single/rich/handsome neighbor and having a car that doesn’t worry me during my nutty commute will make me relaxed and friendly when I come home and I’d actually WANT to talk to a hot neighbor and maybe that neighbor is independently wealthy and I won’t WORRY all the goddamned time about being able to afford to take care of mom and me for as long as I need to and …
Yes, so many “ands.” Line ’em up.
Anyway, a giant leap is needed, and I need to be the one to do it instead of having someone else do the pushing.