Leaving it all behind
Cue the usual barrage of posts about resolutions and aspirations and fuzzy-wuzzy feel-good posts about how awesome the new year will be.
Instead, as the door is about to hit 2012 on the ass, I want to dump the toxins out of my heart and to start tomorrow with as close to a clean slate as I can get without starting a new job, throwing my mother into the Intracoastal, driving both my crap cars into the ocean and beating the shit out of the guy who broke my heart and the whore for whom he broke it.
So, to the best of my ability, today I am leaving behind:
1. Men who drive sexy black Mustangs.
2. Men who need to rescue, wait for or otherwise fix a woman. Unless that woman is me. In which case, rescue/await/fix away!
3. Men who do anything but make me feel like a goddess.
4. Men for whom I feel sorry for one reason or another. I’m tired of being passed over for bitches with issues.
5. Expand that to friends in general for whom I feel sorry because I’m the only real thing they have. They sure as hell haven’t proven to be there for me in my darkest hours.
6. Anyone who decides to kick me while I’m down. You’re not making me stronger — you’re making me angrier.
7. Anyone who drags me down when I’m trying to pull them up. *Trying not to look in my overextended houseguest’s direction.*
8. Anything I love, I guess, food-wise. Face it, I’m an addict. It’s the only thing that didn’t let me down this year. Or any year, for that matter. But like everything/everyone I loved in 2012, it wasn’t good for me.
9. Cigarettes. I’m proud of this one since I didn’t actually resolve to quit this year but I did anyway. Go, me!
10. Fear. I am scared to death of being jobless/homeless. I hate this fear. It has kept me bound to everything that makes me crazy. I’d rather die than be as afraid as I really am right now. I don’t know how to let it go because it’s not like I have anyone or anything that can help me if it all goes to shit again. It’s as if I believe that things will only go right if I’m emotionally overwrought — life has proven to kick me the second I find happiness. So, I want to get brave in 2013 and try being happy and see what happens.