Nuts
The week started off with an acceptable number on the scale, and ended with the CEO of my new company saying he wanted to schedule a meeting with me to “pick my brain” about how to make a part of the company that has some deficiencies become more efficient.
The perks of staying late after the whole rest of the world has gone home!
I’m still struggling there, but I’m getting my sea legs. I got my 60-day review and they said they’ll keep me. So, hooray! Now to really start applying myself.
I thought I’d make a new start this year and finally admit that all the promises I made to people aren’t going to come together. But that relief lasted about a minute because the fact is, people are disappointed. In me. Which is not cool by me at all.
The thing weighing most heavily on my head all week is that, sure, I’ve had friends screw me over. And when I let down a friend, unlike the assholes who fucked up my life, I take it very personally and seriously.
And maybe I’m being too harsh, but maybe I’m not, I feel like I’m no better than my ex-friend T. That is not a boat I like being in.
I don’t have any excuses. I’m tired. Burned out. Overloaded. Depressed. Anxious. Have not-very-much left to give. Can’t do a great job, and therefore can’t bear to give a subpar effort.
Whereas my life’s pain is spread out over years here (and clearly is only expanding), I have two wonderful friends who are going through absolute hell right now. All their shit is packed into a few weeks/months instead of spread out over time.
This reminds me that we all have our struggles (external and internal); whereas they have something to look forward to when this ends, my pain is such that every day has some suck to it and I don’t see coming out of it in the near or even distant future.
But, about my friends. Wow, I can’t even describe what’s happening to them right now. Some of God’s best people, I kid you not. They are making my problems look like blessings. (Which maybe they are, but that’s another blog entry for apparently another decade.)
But … yet, I envy them — rather, their teamwork.
I envy their “I ain’t going anywhere and I’ve got your back” bond when shit gets tough. They are fighting that battle side-by-side. And that helps them keep their perspective. They can take turns flipping their shit, but at the end of the day, they will have helped and loved each other through it.
When things gets tough here, things that matter to me have to give to accommodate other shit. And when I try to give myself a little room and fun time for a rest and/or a reward, that results in even more self-loathing when I return to reality.
I’m not saying a partner would solve anything in my life right now. But someone to talk to … really talk to — not this “everything’s fine/great/dandy/peachy” that I give to everyone who asks — would be amazing. Because it isn’t fine/great/dandy/peachy and I’m weary of the charade.
But admitting weakness hasn’t really gotten me far, either. It’s gotten pretty much every reaction but the one I need. Maybe if I could get out of my head, talk to someone and get some help in fixing all that’s broken (and that would be just about everything), I could be everything I ever planned on being and do everything I said I would, and more, instead of failing at every opportunity and being reminded of it even though I already know and then being crushed under its weight as I try to anticipate/handle what’s coming next.