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I got nothin’. I’m in one of those moods in which I will probably lash out and beat someone if they get too close, so I’m going to withdraw for a minute. I’m trying to find out how to get naked pictures of certain folks if that would make life easier (and at least, more entertaining. Although, ew).
Mom called during “one of those moments” yesterday, all buoyant and excited because she and my grandfather wanted to come and see me. You know, something that has never happened EVER until I dragged them down here myself. I burst straight into tears and said no fucking way in hell will I have the time because I have way too much to do and my energy has been drained already, so not now. She was crushed. I shouldn’t have been so mean, but when I don’t call for days or weeks, she knows to assume something’s up and that I’m not able to be friendly and thus that’s why I don’t call and don’t push me. She just gets tired that I’m always like that lately.
I am dreading the call I need to make to apologize. I am going to go to a neighborhood fair and lose myself in a movie first. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, treating myself when there are a million things unfinished that are taunting me. I also feel guilty about telling certain others that I’m busy today and can’t get together. The fact is, I need a “me” day. A day to tell the demons to wait their turn because I need to repair my armor. Because I can be a real bitch when I’m running on empty. And right now? The engine done died from dehydration.
Tomorrow I’ll bring you “Fireworks,” aka Carnival of the Recipes #98. Post and/or e-mail your festive party recipes and contact the Carnival at recipe.carnival AT gmail DOT com. In the meantime, I need to go out and find some party shoes so I can be a gracious hostess — even if that means I have to shove a sparkler up my butt to change my disposition first. 😀