Providence
Yesterday brought a colossal, collective screw-up. And a series of sharp, shooting pains going from my neck to my wrist.
It also brought a half-bottle of dry red wine from Fabbioli Cellars that I got on an outing there back when I lived in Northern Virginia.
All in all, what happened was not a huge deal. I don’t lose sleep over this shit anymore. But I don’t take kindly to mistakes on the part of others OR on myself, even though I was in a mad rush and the boo-boo was understandable.
So, I decided to be upfront today and say I can’t do it anymore.
I have a Plan B. I want to do it all, really, and hope I can. But if I can’t, yesterday’s drama convinced me that if this ain’t the right time to sprout a pair of wings and learn to fly on the way down, I don’t know when it WILL be.
“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.” — Goethe
Saying yes to that new “something else,” I feel free. I feel like I could fly. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I’m NOT tied to my desk and can actually breathe again.
Look, I like money. And frankly nobody knows the subject matter or the processes or the nuances better than I do. But I’ve been staying for the money and also out of a sense of guilt. Yet I realized today that the best thing for everyone is to let someone else do what I do — sure, it may not be as well, but I can train them. It will be fine.
And it feels good to commit to something new. Not that I want, like or NEED change. Because I’m quite OK without making any waves right now. Had enough of those and I’m still seasick from the last squall.
But to commit to something … really, truly commit … is refreshing. Goethe said it best that commitment leads to providence. And it feels damn good to be on my way. …