Radical vulnerability
I’d say I couldn’t remember the last time I had a man wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day who didn’t report to me (or “just” report to me, ahem), but imma need to hold that thought.
All right, take two.
I’ve been talking to a couple dudes. My expectations for Valentine’s Day were nil because, just talking.
Anyway imagine my surprise when the one who’s out of the country was the one to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day.
I never want to write about these sorts of things. Because it’s like the universe says oh, you have hope? Is that what you’re telling me? NO SOUP FOR YOU.
Then I think, I’ve literally never worked harder at anything in my life than trying to stay single. Isn’t this, then, the ultimate assurance that I will stay that way?
So I met this guy a long time ago. At work. *hides*
Aside, “We Found Love in a Hopeless Place” is the ultimate interoffice romance anthem.
He doesn’t work there anymore. But he’s always kept in touch.
He gave me his number a long time ago but I lost it. And talking over fuckin LinkedIn, of all things, was getting old.
So I wished him a safe trip overseas and said text me some photos.
He doesn’t miss an opportunity to tell me he thinks I’m beautiful. That he wants to see my smile. That it’s been too long since we video chatted. That when he gets back, he’s bringing me coffee from the region he’s in and that he’s taking me for wine.
He doesn’t live in my county. But he’s definitely in one that intrigues me.
He’s also a ghost online. I’ve Googled the ever-loving fuck out of this fella. Best I can gather is that he’s maybe 41.
Which, being 30ish myself, that works well. Although if anyone’s nose is still hooked in mah bidness, they would point out that he’s a young’n.
He also seems so free. Always hopping on flights out of the U.S. Planning to summer at a place I want to see. Offering to accompany me to two (much nearer) places I am hoping to see this year.
A part of me thinks of how many pandemic pounds I’ve made peace with. How much else has changed in me, physically and mentally. Heck, I was reading an hour ago that people (insert the thing) have a higher incidence of anxiety/depression than those (who don’t).
Just as I was thinking that my anxiety is the same as it ever was, I developed a high fever.
And I thought, JFC, things are going right or, at least, NOT ENTIRELY WRONG. Of course I’ll die before I get to experience it. Of course.
Can you imagine, really? Just as things are starting to get kinda good again, you either drop dead or have to tell someone hey, I’m bout ta explode into a thousand bats. You may wish to exit now, yes?
Then a half hour ago, I saw this …
Anyway, it’s so interesting how many online “ghosts” I meet. When I’ve been living my life out loud since Al Gore invented the internet.
Clearly this one is living his life out loud in a very real way. And he adorably thinks I can become part of all that.
I have another one I talk to. Much closer. Like, I see him all the time closer.
He clearly has a crush on me and is awkward as hell and it’s so freaking cute.
But one thing that is true with both these guys is I show nothing. It challenges the first one and it seems to attract but scare the other.
Of course, I just found out the other is a cop and I HATE cops. I can abuse and murder my own damn self, thanks. At least, I can certainly defund myself. Especially when the crystal shop has a sale.
Anyway, I know I didn’t react quite right when I discovered who his employer is. I tried. Kinda.
The beauty of this all is that I’ve been fine for 30ish years and I already did the whole “maybe THIS is the one I’ve waited all this time for” thing.
But I gotta say. Someone who’s hanging out near the Tropic of Capricorn and still texts me good morning, good night and happy Valentine’s Day? Damn.
Maybe I need to quit worrying whether I’m the crazy one and whether HE is!