Robin’s daughter
90 days ago, my Momma passed.
30 days ago, I said that out loud for the first time.
17 years ago today, she moved in with me. I thought then that my life was great and this would change it.
To be clear, my life was NOT great. It was fine, though. I thought I would meet a nice guy and start a family. Stop working so much at some point.
I was 33, after all. Back when I cared about such things.
I was not nice about Mom moving in. I am sure there are dozens of posts about my “houseguest” that I would regret today.
But at some point, I went from feeling obligated to realizing that the right thing to do would be to WANT her there. That it was a choice we — I — made. And that helped a lot.
And life did change with her … for the better.
Every memory was made with her.
Every ordinary thing was made more beautiful by her.
She always had advice. Or a joke. Or an outfit to lend. Or the right encouragement at the right time.
I probably wasn’t the best daughter, even so. I did kind of have my moments where I wondered if I would have found a better man than the losers I did find, since there really wasn’t much room for three of us.
Though she did have me buy things in threes for a while. Boy did she like one of the losers. Three plates, three cups, three placemats, etc.
So now I have her stuff, my stuff AND stuff for that someone who didn’t stick and all the others who weren’t worthy of being part of a “Big Three” situation.
I asked the Tarot what becomes of me.
My favorite question.
Its favorite answer is “The Lovers.”
So, there will be another someone. Of some sort.
Also if I understand tarot timing, I also get the Two of Pentacles on that one.
Two years.
In the meantime, there is silence. So much silence.
And that means … so much THINKING.
I was thinking out loud a bit today. I’ve had cats for 30 years so force of habit.
But I stopped myself.
“You have nothing to say … and no one to say it to. SHUT UP, MIND.”
What I was thinking was that I still need a lot of grace.
It will be a long time before I come to terms with going from being Robin’s daughter to just being another kid who lost their mom.
Not to act like a saint here. I was ready to be “just Dawn” a whole lot more than I let on.
When she was slipping, I said something awful.
It was something I had been thinking about, to justify my utter and complete exhaustion with feeding and bathing and dressing and cleaning and working and worrying — MY GOD the worrying.
I had let it slide right out of my face that I’d nearly raised her for 18 years. My obligation was complete.
I still want to cut off my ponytail and hang myself for that one.
I didn’t mean it. It was in my head because I was thinking that, for someone who did not ever want kids, I ended up raising one for the number of years you are obligated to raise one.
But when you are at your wits’ end and so frustrated that she hates the food or can’t swallow it or throws it up on both of you, your filter works as well as some howler monkey’s on a treadmill.
I’m sure I said a lot of stupid shit over the years. But that one bugs the fuck out of me.
She was hurt, too. But didn’t fight. She knew it was in the midst of an awful moment and she hated how many of those she had to subject me to.
In the silence, this is what you are left with.
There’s a new meme going around that when our parents said, “I’l give you something to cry about,” they meant decades of unresolved trauma.
I don’t laugh much, but that one got a smile out of me. She never meant to make me crazy. I did that to myself
She never felt entitled to anything. Though I did shower her with gifts and meals and trips and hell she even got the better bedroom in most of our places.
That was something I felt my grandmother did. Was not wildly affectionate but could show affection in other ways than love and hugs. I am more like her. Mom and Grampy were more of the huggy, emotional types. I won’t hug you but I will send you an incredibly personal gift that I searched 14 stores for.
I mean, Mom did that too. Always perfect. The right thing to say, to give, to respond, to fix everything.
So, here’s hoping I have that too.
I know I do. I am many things, but Robin’s daughter is the only one worth a damn in this messed-up world.
I just worry that “just Dawn” ain’t shit without her.