Snip-snip, motherfucker
I could just throttle the one who asked me how to let one of Snow White’s seven dorks apply for an open position.
Did I get a fucking call for a reference? I fucking did.
I didn’t say anything bad.
I didn’t say anything good either.
Hell I even said maybe they’d be useful. I wouldn’t know because I didn’t see them do any of those tasks they say they are good at.
I hope the message got through.
I probably have draft posts in my dashboard about the visceral hatred I had for this person.
Which I’ve been glad to forget.
But as yesterday went on, I said my least-favorite phrase this idiot used to say.
I opened the Snipping Tool to screenshot something, and I said, “Snip snip!”
This motherfucker used to say that to me a good 11 times a day.
He was installed as my supervisor. Rather, my beloved department was dissolved and I had to interview with this twit and another twit to see if I was worthy of absorbing into their department.
Motherfucking idiots. I hated tap dancing for them. Two losers.
The good news is, they recognized that I was running circles around them in my previous role.
Naturally they wanted the kid from the gifted and talented class so they could slack.
They knew I would never let the company fail.
Anyway part of my job is to edit shit and publish shit.
Back then it was the biggest part of the job.
So I was editing and publishing a good 12 issues a day in my previous department.
In their department, I had to fold my publications into their crappy publications. And edit their crappy publications too — specifically to raise them to MY lofty editorial standards.
Anyway this Dork insisted that, when I sent a publication live, I send him a “snip snip.” That is, a screenshot that PROVED I sent it live.
Look.
I ask my own team to send me proof of scheduling.
Because we’ve had so many problems with Salesforce … of random shit going live without anyone hitting the publish button … or of things being scheduled and misfiring.
Also I have junior people doing that now. So really, they know it’s a total CYA thing to have proof of sending.
But for me to be a senior managing editor at the time … who’d been in the biz 15 years at that time …
I was furious that this inept piece of shit would literally come and TOWER over me at my new cubicle in the main hallway (after having had a gorgeous office in Delray Beach) …
This MF who couldn’t schedule an issue to save his LIFE …
And chastise me that “I didn’t get my snip-snip” …
I was enraged on the regular.
Look I know the way to handle a micromanager is to report every time you pee and what direction you wiped in.
But this asswipe would never help me when I needed help.
He took two hour lunches.
Came in after 9 and would pirouette out at 4:30 with one of his “well since you have things under control.”
And would tell me he couldnt’ help me edit any of my (now) 21 publications because he had too many emails to read …
LIKE I FUCKING DIDN’T ALSO HAVE MEETINGS AND PEOPLE I SUPERVISED …
And to be up my ass that I didnt’ take the five seconds to email him proof that I was doing my job …
I would say oh I thought you had so many emails that you didn’t have time to read all of them. Thought I’d save you the effort of clicking on something else so maybe you could help me sometime.
When they fired him and promoted me, I didn’t even NOTICE he was gone. Other than that I didn’t have this seven foot tall ballerina breathing on me.
When my boss asked me if I knew him, I said yep.
And when he said ok what can you tell me about him, I didn’t say any of this.
My boss and I are cool. Not the how-was-your-weekend type of relationship.
The only thing we have in common is we have cats and we both enjoy “The Descendants” franchise on Disney+. And honestly that’s all I really know about him outside of the work.
I get 20 uninterrupted minutes with him and I use it wisely.
Dude ain’t asking me for no snip-snip. He gives me 40 things to do and assumes they get done.
I don’t even bug my people. They post the snip-snip (I would never call it that) and move on with their day.
I am more social with them. One just had a baby on Wednesday. I know all their kids and pets. We chatter all day.
But more importantly, when they ask me for help, I am an instant yes.
I will never say oh gee but I have emails.
Fuck dem emails.
My job is to support the people who serve our customers.
I may even do too much of their jobs sometimes. But I also know I am giving them the bandwidth to focus on other things that are important — for our marketing team, for our customer service team, etc.
So, by all means, apply for a job here. Just don’t be a useless POS and think I am going to say otherwise.