Was it enough?
Did a re-listen to “Folklore” today.
I always pick up new things that stab me in the heart as time passes.
From “Hoax”:
“Your integrity makes me seem small
You paint dreamscapes on the wall
I talk shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honor.”
I always hated that line because I thought she was building Joe up to be some sort of demigod.
It harkened back to the absolute desperation of “Afterglow,” like she was the (only) villain in the relationship.
Five years later and the loss of my mom, cat and countless relationships, I hear everything with different ears.
Now it makes me think of my mom.
Her integrity does make me seem small.
I do talk shit with my friends.
Am I indeed wasting her honor?
She overcame heart problems, eye problems, idiot boyfriend problems, burying her parents (who were abused by hospitals), her own hospital abuse, living with Stage 4 cancer and still being a more productive/kinder human than most.
The least I can do is make sure this world knows who she was, by making sure it knows who I am.
I’ve been beating myself up now that I feel better than I have. Like, how dare you. She deserves not (just) to be mourned, but to be celebrated. And honored.
Like, I can imagine her saying OK I left you and set you free. How long do you plan to sit on that uncomfortable couch and binge “Gossip Girl” and whatever else is on Netflix?
Speaking of, “The Life List” is so good.
I saw Sofia Carson from “The Descendants” was the lead, so I had to watch.
Her mom, Connie Britton, died of cancer (heavy sigh) and left her a series of adventures that earned her a new video from Connie after each item was achieved.
I really really wish my mom had left me something like that. Just to have videos or her voice again, I’d do anything.
Sofia got her shit together in a year. Must be nice.
Mom must think I’ve lost my magic. But I understand time is meaningless on the other side. And nine months or a year or whatever is nothing in the grand scheme.
Taylor asks “Is it enough?” in “Peace.”
Is she enough. Is what she can give enough. Is she still worthy even though she can give Joe anything but peace.
What I was able to give Momma, was it enough? Is it enough for me to eventually stop replaying all the stuff that I did wrong or didn’t do at all?
Is it enough that only I knew and therefore miss her?
I got to thinking about horrible people who brag that they have friends (and that I don’t). Hate to tell Goon-bah real friends would help you correct your bad behavior.
So, having “One True Thing” (another amazing movie about moms and daughters and cancer) wasn’t just enough — it was more than 1,000 people who laugh and scroll … at you, not me.
Anyway.
I also hit replay on “Hoax” a few times:
“You know I left a part of me back in New York
You knew the hero died so what’s the movie for?
I really do feel that. That my story was already written in New York and a couple other places, and it’s up to me to go live it.
But I never thought about the hero dying so what’s the movie for.
Again, made me think of Mom. What is the point of all of this if I don’t do something with it for/about her?
I don’t have any grand answers. And maybe I have lost my magic rather than gaining hers, as I’d hoped.
Taylor has said that “Hoax” was so uncomfortable to write. She usually knows what she is writing about, but here she was all over the place. Broken relationship, broken friendship, broken business dealings.
So her producer said embrace the uncomfortable.
That was the point of “The Life List.” Which now that I’ve downloaded the Kindle edition of that book, I see it’s in Chinese. Which explains my luck.
Anyway, that whole point was rediscover all your plans and do them. You won’t grow till you face the fear that have kept you from them.
My takeaway is do something that scares the shit out of you, as often as possible.
Not honoring Momma scares the fuck out of me. Just missing her is not enough.