Whore-nado
So as I was about to leave the house today, I learned that Tropical Storm Andrea was also a tornado about to touch down at the county airport due east from my office. I sat my pudgy pork roast ass on the couch for the next two hours, watching the pregnant meteorologist freaking the fuck out on camera.
No way in hell I was making that commute through four inches of water out to God’s country. And the TV station brought in a calmer meteorologist to relieve her.
We had an armadillo cross our path the other day. Ye Olde Alligator Ranch is now Ye Olde Armadillo Farm. Or, as a friend of mine said, “You guys have pigs and chickens and shit out there … the hell?”
Mom got to hear our 8:30 conference call. She was busy hanging herself about 15 minutes in. Twenty minutes in, I was ready enough to kill myself that I got into the car and started barreling straight toward the eye of the tornado, four alleged inches of rain on the ground and a jacked-up inland neighborhood be damned.
Mom was like, “You have four calls a day? No wonder you never get to come home.” She had a few other fun comments but I will keep those off the record. 🙂
It was such a weird day when I got there. I mean, nothing unusual. Weird is the norm. But it really makes sense for me to arrive at 10 given what time I leave. Wish I could pull that off every day.
Speaking of Whore-nadoes, I see Whorothy changed her profile pic again. The bitch is looking better lately. I still want a tornado to plop her ass into another dimension, but she can HAVE Topo Gigio. Really. When I am over somebody/something, there’s no getting that lovin’ feeling back.
Of course, I admit that I’ve been thinking about all the great guys I left behind, thinking there was someone more-perfect for me out there somewhere (like, say, TG). Maybe there is. I hope there is. But I have those moments lately of, “What if I would have been happy?” I mean, obviously not or else my gut would have told me to stay. Right?
You know what my gut is telling me right now? That peppermint-chocolate anything sounds good. Maybe I should stop trusting said gut … or, at least, start hiring a translator to interpret what it’s really saying that I’ve clearly been missing.
Of course, what if what I’ve been “hearing” has been right all along, and all the good things are about to come flooding like a tropical rainstorm into my arid little life?