Caterwauling

I’ve started this entry a thousand times, but the thoughts are spilling out faster than my fingers can type, and I doubt they’d even make sense even if I could string them together.

It’s not that I lack anything to say; quite the contrary, I’ve got a million visions and questions swirling around like a tropical storm. And that’s when I find it hardest to write — when I know I have something to say and believe I simply can’t do it justice with a mere compilation of words. I’ve spent my whole life talking … I’m ready to start doing.

The puzzle pieces are coming together. Information comes your way and you wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t gutted your life and gotten the ability to begin it again. And you know you have information to add, but you know that it will surface in due time. It’s like the roads in the parallel universe in which I seem to have found myself eventually intersect with a place where I can belong. And, I have never belonged anywhere before. Maybe it would bring me the peace I’ve so desperately sought.

John asked me recently what I would do if I could be doing anything in the world right at that very moment. I’d said I wanted to be present with someone. And while the original vision I’d had in my mind was a powerful one, tonight I wish I could be in the same room with my best friend. I wish Shan and I were back at the Bennigan’s, firing off business ideas at a rate of a thousand miles a minute. We never picked up more men in our lives than we did then — we were so immersed in our conversation and in absolutely feeding off of each other that we didn’t even see the men who were lined up to talk to us. Lined up! They were fascinated by us — we weren’t falling all over ourselves because they were interested. And that made them crazy … they had to capture our attention in any way they could. And, for us, we weren’t impressed unless they could make a valiant effort to keep up with us. LOL.

There was this one dude I always called Gnat — I would call him that to his face. Shan and I covered it smoothly by saying he reminded us of our friend “Nat” who, of course, didn’t exist. I almost miss him, irritating though he was. And I miss D.J. Jazzy Jeff (the disc jockey — I have no idea what his real name was). I missed us being the stars of our own show — I miss knowing that Shan and I would see each other every day and that we always had each other’s backs. I need to see her — there has to be a way that we can live in the same city again someday. And I miss my family, too. There are good things here for me in the city where I am now — I know it. But surviving with your heart broken in several pieces, scattered among many places, is a hard way to live.

But, there is some healing on the horizon. I feel it. There are things in life that you just know. I just haven’t felt safe enough to let myself dream of better days. I tend to put off dreaming until other things are done — I promise to reward myself with happy thoughts. But that just means I’m uninspired while I’m trudging through the mundane. I’m going to visualize being a star again … I’m going to picture what it will be like to shine again. Right now, the dream is all I have, and I can’t deny myself that any longer.

On iTunes: Eve f/Alicia Keys, “Gangsta Lovin”

This entry was posted on Monday, March 7th, 2005 at 9:37 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.