Caterwauling

I’m buzzed. And loving it. 🙂 (And there’s tunage involved for you if you sit through this shit.)

OK, so Carrie Underwood won “Idol” and the wet dream-inducing Bo Bice did not. Oh well. Fuck it. I didn’t agree with the winners for the last two years, either, so who gives a shit, really? He’ll have a better career than her, without Cowell and Company plotting his every move. And maybe Carrie will learn to hit the notes of the song the show gave her to learn. *twitch*

I was quite admiring Bo in his leather pants as we watched the finale on a large-screen plasma TV at a soiree tonight. I remember telling quite a few people that I hope to come back in my next life as those leather pants. Something tells me I will not be forgotten, based on that comment alone. Nor was I alone in that sentiment. 😉

I don’t even go for the long-haired rocker boys in real life anymore, which is the weird thing. But stick me in a Bo/Constantine sandwich, and all I can say is “Eat me!”

Anyway, you’d think that after 35 miles (traveled in 35 minutes — I swear, I got to King Street during Minute 34 — several curbs hit and several innocent people high-beamed, but I got here alive. Hooray), I’d be a lil more lucid. I’m such a freakin’ lightweight anymore — I only had two glasses of wine (Editor’s Note: Consumed in 15 minutes and right before locating the car). She turns 31 and hits old age. Waah! Thank GOD for Crystal Method on the CD player, keeping me awake (although taking my half out of the middle of the road. Oh well!).

This is the first birthday where I didn’t have cake. Or any plans in general. My best friend sent presents from the West Coast, so at least I had something to open. But I got cards (electronic and *gasp* those of the snail-mail variety), and I got special attention. I guess this is what birthdays are when you get older. I got sick of throwing my own bashes, only for people to make up stupid excuses to miss them or to show up and require more attention than I did as the birthday girl, so I really don’t have any complaints. I spent the evening with superbly fantastic people and, quite honestly, fell in love with my company all over again.

I had a few moments to myself, wherein I took a glass of chardonnay out onto the deck and stared into the starless sky and made a wish. It’s a big wish — one that I’ve been afraid to make. It’s a several-parter. And you know me — I’m not sharing it per se, but I will tell you that I am tired of survival. I’m tired of being grateful for the little things. Well, that’s not true — I am always happy with life’s little pleasures and instances of luck, but I want bigger. I want better. I want to live a life I never felt like I deserved before. I want to not lose the energy and motivation that so many others have nearly KILLED in me. I want the passion and energy to continue … and AMPLIFY … so that I (and the *right* partner) can build a strong foundation where dreams can continue to grow. I don’t want to hurt again the way I have. I don’t want to feel like life is a series of near-misses and heroic escapes. I want it to mean something — I want to aspire to be something more than Bo Bice’s leather pants. 😉 I want to have everything I ever wanted (which has never been all that much, truth be told) — and I want a thousand times more. Because I deserve it. I have earned it. And I will continue to earn it. And I will share it when it comes.

And I also want what I have — I want nights like tonight, singing a Billy Preston song back-to-back with T.S. I want talking about dreams and overcoming bullshit to get those dreams like I did with T.E. (who, incidentally, noted quite accurately that the wrong person won the November election, so why be surprised that “Idol” always has the wrong outcome). I want laughs and smiles across a room and genuine hugs and just a feeling of — for once — being included, accepted, wanted — like I got to glimpse tonight.

And I want what I wished for that I’m not the slightest bit brave enough to type.

And with that, that is certainly enough for tonight. 😉

On iTunes: Crystal Method f/Garbage, “I Think I’m Crystallized”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 25th, 2005 at 11:57 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.