Caterwauling

In an attempt to keep my life more private, I realize that I pretty much shouldn’t blog about anything going on right now. I hate it because I love to process my insanity out loud and feel like that isn’t possible right now.

I do find, however, that my silence must be somewhat maddening to my favorite trolls, because they have driven my hits up through the roof — checking back repeatedly to see if I’ve updated. Newsflash: it’s called a newsreader. And many of them don’t even tell me you’re invading my privacy. So go piss off. And have a nice day. 🙂

I will say, though, that I did something I haven’t done in about seven months — I got my nails did. When the income stopped, so did every ritual that meant anything to me. So I am feeling girly and empowered to have lovely nails again, although there is that part of me that is deathly afraid to spend money on anything but debts and necessities. It’s just really hard to once again get accustomed to typing on this tiny Mac keyboard!

I went to the salon where my friend Shan (who moved to the West Coast in August) and I used to go together. And EVERYBODY remembered us and asked me all about her. And, I found myself missing her more than usual — we used to see each other six days a week. Not having money has been good for me only in that I didn’t have to go out to “our” places like today and realize how alone I feel without her.

And, maybe I’m selfish, but I don’t want to go out and make any more friends. Well, maybe selfish isn’t the right word, not so much as apathetic. But in this area, everybody leaves (well, the people you love leave — the rest flare up like a bad case of herpes). I know, we should cherish people for as long as we have them, but my inbox is bursting full of notes from people I have not physically seen in years, and I get into this “What’s the Point?” attitude toward taking on another friend who will probably just end up as a pen pal.

This is odd for me — I am normally pretty social and truly do thrive on human interaction. But I don’t put myself “out there’ to meet people anymore. And everyone who is near me now, I feel like I’ve got them at arm’s length — like, I will miss them if they go away, but my heart won’t break the way it did when distance separated me from Shan and from hundreds who came before her. What I need is to ramp up the dating life — at least, I never really expect THOSE to last more than a night or two … at the most. 😉

But back to my glorious nails. I have really let myself and my apartment go during the insane bout of depression/anxiety I had late last year — what little strength and money I had needed to be allocated accordingly. And I am hoping this is the first step in learning how to take care of me, which is something I’ve never known how to do. I am in a daily environment where it is clear that my personal well-being is as important as my skills and abilities, and it’s a nice change. Maybe, if others care so much about me, then I should follow their lead and be a little nicer to myself when opportunity allows.

On iTunes: Dashboard Confessional, “The Sharp Hint of New Tears”

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 26th, 2005 at 11:57 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.