Caterwauling

Because Bill asked, I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been smoke-free for more than a month now! Yay!!! My official quit date was Sept. 20. I did try to sneak one hit, though, a couple of weeks ago. *retch* It was awful.

That’s not to say that I don’t feel naked without a cigarette in my hand. I used to love my morning coffee and my evening cocktails with a Camel Light or 10. Now, I drink the coffee just for its caffeine, and I can’t even tell you how much I don’t even want to touch alcohol because it’s like milk without the cookies, the sex without the lube, the pirate without the wench.

Damn it, I’m turning into a goody two shoes!!!! 😉

Well, apparently, not good enough, though.

I do believe good things happen to good people. I’m just wondering if I’m that evil because I can’t find so much as a buoy to straddle when the current picks up. I need a ship to come in, and hopefully there will be a hot sailor on it! (Any takers? Going, going. …)

Actually, what I find weird is how I know I should be nervous, but I’m not (well, not enough, probably). There is every reason to fret, and no ship is even passing by the damn harbor. I keep going after opportunities (don’t think I’m sittin’ on my duff lookin’ pretty here), but I need just one to work out. One. Anything to keep me in motion.

Had a frustrating encounter the other day. Was at a busy intersection on King Street when I was approached by some volunteer collecting for homeless children. Now, when I was working, I would pull a few bucks out of the visor and contribute (I always kept a couple of emergency dollars on hand in case I ran out of gas while sitting in the incredible traffic ’round here — I miss those days of finding money!). But this time, I couldn’t. I wanted to say, hello, I’m about to be homeless and what are you doing for ME?!?! Can I get my earlier donations back?

But, alas, I was not that crude. But the guy really tried to goad me into finding money for the cause. I said look, I don’t have a job right now. Can’t do it. I could tell he really thought it was an excuse, and it’s sad if people really are giving those kinds of excuses to get out of supporting charitable work. And what people do not know about me off the bat is that I spent years upon years not only workng AT charities, but doing the fund-raising FOR them. If I can’t find a couple of bucks to hand over, believe me, then I’m in a financial crisis. Especially now that I’m saving like $100/month on cigarettes!

Anyway, when the guy looked at me and realized I was not lying (you can look at me and know if I’m being honest. My eyes will always give me away), he said, “Pray on it, then.”

My light changed, and I drove away. And I wondered if that really works. Let me insert that I am a happy agnostic who follows her spirit guides wherever they lead. Does that count? I’ve known people who are religious and/or spiritual, and they seem so content, like they know they will be taken care of if the just believe in something. And am I selfish if I only have enough strength to believe in me right now?

Oh, pseudo-related, if you haven’t picked up a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” then you’re missing out on some brilliant insight into the straight male mind. I’ve always prided myself on thinking (and, sometimes behaving) like a guy, but oh my god, I don’t think I’m going to be able to trust anybody after I finish this book! (Alas, though, not like I really *did* trust them before it!) The truth HURTS. And that’s all I’m gonna say on THAT subject for now. … 😉

On iTunes: Sarah McLachlan, “World on Fire”

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 21st, 2004 at 9:54 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.