Caterwauling

We have yet another character to add to the official Veggie Patch Playset: Fudge.

After talking about bathroom funk, Shan and I wondered how we could POSSIBLY forget the gal who takes a dump every day at noon (who isn’t so good about flushing or wiping properly — sometimes she wipes her ass on the seat) and who NEVER washes her hands. Yes, everyone extend a warm welcome (but certainly not your hand!) to the newest Playset member! 🙂

Unrelated …

Jane asked if it’s OK to say “fuck” around here. Hell fuckin’ yeah!!! 😉 We need to swear some more around here. Come on, kids, tell me what’s pissing you off today. … 😉

Rejected title: The Wizard of Awes

Okay, so I volunteered to assist at the opening party of my organization’s annual conference. I did this not knowing what the theme would be.

The theme, you ask? “The Wizard of Oz.” Hand-picked by Pride Fag, our fearless leader.

*roflmfao*

He’ll probably dress as Dorothy.

Someone in the room asked, “Can I bring my dog to play Toto?” I stifled the urge to say, “No, that’ll be Pride Fag’s boyfriend.” *snerk*

This was announced in a meeting today. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I don’t know if anybody else in the room had a concept of what a big gay icon it is (the movie, not our leader). I suggest we just make the ballroom a big gay disco and sell drugs instead of drinks.

So I was in Wal-Mart hell this evening, picking up cough drops, NyQuil (sweet nectar of the gods) and other drugs to kick this fucking case of typhoid, and I wandered into the clothing area. This guy came running into the area, looked around (but didn’t look in my direction, about five feet away), stopped dead in his tracks and emitted the loudest and nastiest expulsion of bodily fumes that one could imagine. Ick. I jerked my shopping cart and headed for the hills, and when he saw me, he jumped five feet and ran in the opposite direction. If I could have gotten through the barrier of methane, I would’ve pointed him toward the Gas X pills. *shudder*

I was working late tonight when I saw a strange car in the parking lot at work — the same car that’s always there late at night. And now that the office was broken into last night, I grabbed Angie and suggested we motor, so we could walk to our cars together. The person sat in his car for a long time, rustling around but not moving. I was brave enough to drive past and get his license plate, and I stopped a few feet away to leave a message for H.R. to tell her to run the plate. Of course, my phone kept vibrating in my hand, and I couldn’t make the call while the plate was still fresh in my mind, so I had to keep reciting the number till the phone stopped wiggling. I hope I recalled it correctly. *sigh* It’s bad enough that two cars have been stolen from the parking lot at my apartment (and I STILL have to park up the hill by the rental office ’cause there’s never a spot for me!); now I have to worry about being robbed at work … and, of course, being flatulated on at Wallyworld. Ugh.

I want to introduce new characters to the Veggie Patch Playset.

For the unfamiliar, I work for the Veggie Patch (or Club Medicated, take your pick). Shan and I came up with a “Veggie Patch Playset” that serves as the backdrop of our daily adventures. For a nominal fee, participants can secure a supplemental “Veggie Pak” full of samples of Zoloft, Xanax, Paxil, Prozac, fuzzy bunny slippers and pill cups.

Today we added “Skipper,” the newly promoted assistant for King Kumquat of the Veggie Patch (otherwise known as Cruise Director of Club Medicated). Skipper came from being Barbie’s sidekick. Do the math on that one.

We also added Popcorn Bandit (see two entries ago), formerly Candy Pig.

But the crowning jewel on our tiara of hysteria came when Shan was mentioning that, more than a week ago, somebody was supposed to give her something vital to doing her job. She still hasn’t received said item. I said that she’d have better luck asking Santa Claus for said item, because we have a better chance asking a figment of our imaginations than this real-live (sort of) person. Long story short (after some discussion of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy), we renamed this dipshit the Halitosis Fairy. Instead of money under your pillow, you get a cloud of funk in your office.

Speaking of funk in the office, it’s clear that nobody cleaned the bathroom floors last night. It’s a fucking health hazard, the drops of blood that have been there for two friggin days. Ugh.

I’m getting sick. It’s official — I should’ve gotten a flu shot. Of course, it doesn’t help that the A/C is on in my building, blowing out the vents right above my desk. I sound like I swallowed a fucking frog. Of course, one might argue that I kiss a lot of frogs, and maybe I just sucked on one a little too hard.

Eh, forget that last part. I’ve used up my humor for the day! Anybody have a cough drop?

Truth in advertising is alive and well, my friends. …

My workplace never fails to amuse me.

So yesterday, our marketing director gave each department that she works with a huge popcorn tin. I don’t really work with her, but she did give a tin to Demure to share with the membership and newspaper staffs. In any event, the office Candy Pig was last seen stealing the tin from the executive staff. I think she even took it home. She raids everybody’s candy jars, but that was ridiculous — I even overheard other staff chastising her for being such a greedy little shit.

So Demure decided to take our departmental popcorn tin and lock it in her office last night, hidden in a corner. (Insert my snickering that it’s not, say, a toner cartridge or corporate credit card, but a $7.99 Wal-Mart popcorn tin!)

In any event, our offices were broken into last night. I probably left around 7, so it was after that. The weird thing is that nothing was stolen. Several offices showed signs of forced entry (not mine or anyone else I like, although, granted, that doesn’t leave many people!). I decided that it was Candy Pig who broke into all the offices, looking for popcorn tins. 🙂 Shan liked that and decided we should call her Popcorn Bandit from now on. 🙂

Related. …

That’s scary about the break-in last night. I’m always among the late shift — oftentimes I’m the only one here. I filed a report three weeks ago with H.R. to say that every night and weekend, there are shady people supposedly fixing their cars out by our dumpsters. It’s the same white car and black car, and there’s occasionally a silver Eclipse. I assume it’s a drug ring, but in any situation, it’s frightening to see 14 people and two or three cars at any given time. I had warned all my fellow employees that they shouldn’t park behind the building (which I do, because I can watch my car from my office) after hours, and I thought H.R. should officially step in and be proactive about us taking safety precautions. And she did respond to my report, saying that she would have the building management send a memo to all businesses in the building about suspicious activities and maybe giving us a list of ways to protect ourselves.

So, fast-forward to today, and don’t make me state the obvious that I never heard word one since my report. Cruise Director sent out an e-mail to all of us, stating things like, “In case you haven’t heard about the break-in” and “if you see anything suspicious, let us know.” It took all the power in me to not respond with, “What? And wait till I’m 35 for you to do something with my report?”

I told Shan that I’d like to see H.R. offer some type of safety or self-protection seminar, to respond to this. She said H.R. will probably rant (like always) that people hate it when she schedules things. I told her I probably don’t even have the time personally to attend such a seminar, but they need to show some sort of response and aftercare for their (mostly female) employee pool. Of course, there I go again, offering ideas and solutions and not being happy with the status quo. Bad girl. 🙂

I continue to be awed and inspired and so very much encouraged by all the great comments I’ve been receiving about my pending business venture. Thanks and hugs o’plenty for the sentiments!

I just did a huge entry (that got lost) about Phase One, which occurred today. Let’s just say that it went fine. It unfortunately revealed another roadblock, which I will call Having to Run it Up the Flagpole. Meaning, the right person agreed, but Someone Else has to approve or it’s a bust. This has to do with securing free/cheap space in which to host said project (because you can’t meet clients in your home, not that I’d want to, for this particular project). But, just in case, there will be a backup plan.

I had the best therapy last night — I wrote a business plan. I immersed myself in it, actually. It’s not overly formal — I just laid out my goals and objectives (believe it or not, there’s a difference!), figured out what to do and when to do it, and thought about how to do it. In fact, I’ve pretty much been spending every free minute on this — it is what is really important to me right now. I love to sit and dream and plan, only now, the stakes are so much higher — I have to put this plan into motion, and that’s something new to me. I am horrible with follow-through. I don’t nomally prioritize well — usually something else unrelated comes up and my attention becomes permanently diverted. In any event, I’m not going to save the world, but I’m sure as hell going to try. 🙂

Shan and I met with a make-it-happen person today, who gave us lots of advice. And we appreciated it (really, the support behind it), but we disagreed with some of it. We want to start small and manageable, and build up as we work out the bugs and kinks and manage to free up more and more time (i.e., we can’t quit our day jobs — this is just an off-hours venture for now). He suggested the reverse — get capital (human and financial) and dream big. Do something huge and, while we’re enjoying the successs from that, start the smaller, side projects. I like that idea, but for now, we need small, measurable successes to continue encouraging us. I would hate to put in a lot of work into one big venture and watch it flop. He’s concerned, though, that a small venture may lead to a small — yet so very large — failure. He doesn’t want us to invest our hopes in this series of successes and get crushed if the house of cards falls down right away. But our small venture doesn’t require much for start-up, and therefore, if it flops (which Shan says it never will because we will refuse to accept failure as an option), we haven’t lost much.

In any event, it feels so very good to have a purpose — to channel my energies for my future. Shan and I have kind of had a “No Negativity” theme going this week — don’t allow anybody (including ourselves) to burst our bubble about anything. Even at work, we’re not complaining about it, instead just shaking our heads and reminding ourselves that the pain can’t and won’t last forever.

If I can be honest, I’m scared. But it’s a good type of scared — more like butterflies instead of rocks in my stomach. I think about this all the time now. Shan and I are huge proponents of the possibilities once we have established one project — we will make this one self-sufficient, and we will go on to create more and more. It’s a neat precipice to be standing on … and to REALIZE you’re standing on it. Because this is the time we’re going to remember when we’re looking back and smiling at how hard it was until we found a way to make things better. Things don’t have to be hard. They really don’t. Or, at least, they don’t have to be hard forever. You find ways to cope or, better yet, overcome. And then, you show others how to do it for themselves.

And that, my friends, is the plan, and I’m stickin’ to it!!! 😉

Naughty Gingerbreadman

Rejected title: ‘Anthropomorphic fucktards run around in the snow and giggle’

… reviewed by and for the cynical adult. These are real reviews for real movies — a bit old but still funny as shit.

On the “Christmas in the Snow” Teletubbies movie: They say the secret to a successful movie pitch is distilling the plot down to a single sentence. For example, Die Hard’s pitch would be “Man fights terrorists in an office building,” while the pitch for Never Been Kissed would be “Drew Barrymore eats own weight in fudge.” Well, if that theory is correct, Teletubbies might be the most successful movie of all time, because its pitch is simply “Anthropomorphic fucktards run around in the snow and giggle.”

From “The Christmas Story Keepers”:So it’s pretty exciting stuff. Between bouts of hiding behind inanimate objects, the fat guy sits the children down and tells them Bible stories. It’s also worth noting that the segues into these stories are always set up in the most blatant manner possible, such as having one of the kids say, “Look at that river! I wish *I* could walk on the water!” To which the fat guy will naturally respond, “You know who could walk on water? JESUS.” These segues are easily the most enjoyable moments of the film, and some of them had me cracking up. In fact, I’ve spent the last several days annoying everybody in my life by shamelessly copying this movie (“You know who else hated ninjas? JESUS.” “You know who else sucked at Mario Kart? JESUS.”). So for those who have complained that my reviews are always too negative, there’s a positive point for you. This movie makes blasphemy fun for the whole family.”

*updated*

I had a major meltdown yesterday morning. I got paid (yes, we get paid on the 7th and 22nd and have furlough days in between. What a company!), so I was writing out my bills. Turns out that my FUCKING insurance company decided to cancel my policy because I sent my payment in LATE.

I hate insurance companies with every ounce of bile in my body. Really — there was no official due date for the payment, so I sent the check when I got paid (see screwy schedule above). They clearly cashed the check but decided that it wasn’t received in a timely enough fashion, so I need to pay the balance ($642) by Christmas Eve, or I have no policy.

I lost my fucking mind. I called my agent and rambled for 20 minutes how I’m not able to afford Christmas this year anyway and how my darling company sees fit to furlough days and negatively impact my bill-paying process anyway, so if they think I can pull $642 outta my ass right now — especially during this festive season — they can sit and spin. Further, I told him, I will be glad to drive the car off the nearest cliff on the day before the policy expires. Therefore, he needs to figure out how we can resolve this. I don’t care if they even want the next payment now — $211 is better than $642 anyday!

*deep, cleansing breaths* Serenity, now, my friends. I shall overcome. I have a plan. I’m not talking about the plan, but I’ve got one. Let’s just say that I am calming myself with thoughts of these insurance companies and creditors lining up at MY doorstep, begging to have me as a client because I’m such a desirable candidate. And someday, I will slam that door in their faces, instead of begging them to not kick me out of their systems.

Update

*whew* My broker came in and saved the day (I was ready to have him sign me up for another insurance plan). All I have to do is pay my normal payment by the end of the month, and I’m in the clear. You could tell he was praying that he got my voice mail when he called and I picked up. He asked me what furlough days are, and I explained that I hated being behind in my payment, too, but if you are barely taking home enough money to pay your rent/car payments (especially when you were expecting more), it’s hard to meet all your bills right away. He was very cool, and I am a happy girl. It’s still gonna be a sucky Christmas as far as having money to burn, but I’ll be OK. I always am.

Phase One of Dawn’s Grand Scheme goes into effect tomorrow. If you’re so inclined to pray or hope or send good wishes, I’m taking my first step toward my future around 10 a.m. 🙂