Caterwauling

Profundities, Profanities, Pundits, Passion and Pissing & Moaning

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Countdown!

Only 14 hours and 14 minutes till this shitty year draws to a close. woo hoo!

First things first: tunage. I dedicate this one to all the single people out there: New Year's Eve.

I have a billion things to do today, as do you, so I thank you for your readership, your comments, your suggestions for content and your encouragement. I will have a drink in your honor (yes, that means all of you!). So have a drink or 10 for me, OK? *clink* Cheers!

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:44 AM

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Soiree!

OK, I am only having a teeny tiny lil get-together, but you know me, I prepare like I'm having the queen of England and her posse over for cocktails and food. :)

I'm in the midst of making my fabulous apricot brandy punch and I'll throw together a cheese log sometime before the night is over. I did a few loads of laundry but still have about four more to do. Ergh. And let's not talk about all the dusting that needs to be done. But then again, the "real" party for me is the cleaning up afterward!!!

Leslie arrives tomorrow. Here's to hoping I can find her when she arrives in D.C.! We need to get her hooked up with Shan at some point -- finally, my two Irish princesses in a room together at long last!!!

And here's to the end of another shitty year. w00t!!! Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night of drinking champagne and eating good food!!!

The Goddess Dawn @ 8:14 PM

Spinning my wheels

Subtitle: In which my flakes are sufficiently frosted and my ass is magically covered

RC made a good point today, that this week at work should have just been furloughed. I sincerely can't come up with an argument on that one. The few of us who are here are literally sitting with our thumbs up our asses. I mean, I've cleaned my office, cleaned my hard drive, ripped/burned dozens of CDs, gone shopping and had intense discussions with Shan about nothing in particular. I should've just taken vacation time.

As far as furloughs, my idea is that we should, for a year, just reduce the workweek by two hours instead of killing off days at a time (next days: Jan. 9 and Jan. 16, not to mention having Jan. 19 as a paid day off). Those are three days I will need to be in the office to do the paper. But I have no problem leaving the office a little bit early each day -- honestly, I tend to want to slit my wrists sometime around 1 p.m. Eastern time anyway, so shaving off a few minutes each day would make me way happier.

I was just thinking how there is literally one good thing at each of my jobs. It's like building the perfect mate: you want to take the good qualities of a bunch of people instead of just settling for one with some redeeming qualities. At Easter Seals, I was ridiculously passionate about the cause. At Two Strikes, I loved how progressive it was, particularly in regard to employee wellness (i.e., we shut down every other Thursday at 3 so we could do our doctor's appointments or get our nails done). Here, I like the freedom -- people really do tend to leave me alone to do my thing. I would like to have all of those qualities in one job. I haven't had passion for a cause since 2000, and ultimately, that's a major reason I failed at my last job -- I had the skills but not the heart, and everybody knew it.

It's a lotta ass to cover, but I did it
In good news, I got some people in trouble yesterday. Normally, I would rather just fix the mistake and keep on going, but I am going to blow this one wide open. I got a call on Saturday from the publisher, stating that my magazines were literally sitting at the post office, waiting to be mailed. Why? Because my company never sent the postage check. See, we had a knock-down, drag-out fight months ago when I was told I could no longer hand-deliver checks, and I was promised that there would be no interruption in my process. Well, I got the call while I was in Pittsburgh, and I couldn't resolve it till yesterday.

I was nervous that I hadn't even requested the money, but not only did I request it, I also made a note that the post office needed to have received the money by Dec. 19. So here it was, Dec. 29, and the check was found sitting on someone's desk. Of course, she's going to catch hell from her supervisor. But as far as I can tell, she left it sitting on her desk on Dec. 24 -- why wasn't it mailed on the 17th? Because it wasn't cut on time, that's why. So I had to drive the check out to Bumfuck Egypt so that the paper could be mailed. Yes, after I busted my ass to get the fucker out the door before Christmas -- all my rushing was for nothing.

I found out that the check for the print shop was also ready but not signed. So one of the gals in finance had to run around like a moron, trying to find two authorized signers. The weirdest positions are allowed to sign checks -- I can't do it, as a manager, but the dipshit who delivers the mail and my boss's bland secretary can sign. Problem was, we couldn't find anybody for hours. So the checks arrived late, but they did arrive. And I took the afternoon off to go to the mall, seeing as though I was already inconvenienced. Yes, I always make the best of a bad situation, but I do look forward to telling my boss about this debacle -- she has nothing else to do but create trouble, and I'm glad to give her that little something to do. ;)

The Goddess Dawn @ 11:28 AM

Monday, December 29, 2003

Suzy Homewrecker Maker strikes again

I'm in a minor cleaning frenzy this evening. The apartment is in an emergency state. I figured I'd let the kitties have at it while I was gone, but playtime's over. Time to get the skid marks outta the carpet and try to make the place party-time presentable.

Kadi's in her cage, and both kitties are happily snacking on turkey while I nuke the bathroom. I've developed an obsession with changing the shower liner every two or three weeks. Of course, Kadi uses it as a scratching post and rips holes in it daily. She also likes to eat the bathroom rugs, and there are always dark blue pieces of fabric littering the floor.

I'm not catering this soiree like the last one. I have tons of cookies and alcohol. I may toss together a spinach dip or something, but about 70 loads of laundry need to come first. And the car looks like I drove it to to the North Pole, it has so much salt and other crap from the highways on it.

Next Christmas, Bryan and Paul have sworn to rent me a maid for a day. I think they should just rent ME out and let me earn some money cleaning like a maniac for other people!

Damn it, what the HELL did I do with my Swiffer?!?!

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:06 PM

Friday Five on a Monday.

Rejected title: Better late than pregnant

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Securing my promotion and handling it like a champ with next to no staff. It's always nice when people say, "Gosh, I just don't know HOW you managed to do that job all by yourself for so long!" I have an amazing portfolio that I can't wait to share with potential future employers! ;)

2. What was your biggest disappointment?
Depends. My biggest disappointment with myself is that I had about four million ideas for businesses I'd like to start, and I didn't have the necessary discipline to actually put a single plan in motion. My biggest disappointment with (some) others was because of some of their actions that really, really hurt me. And the lack of apologies really burned my toast. I mean, are people that fucking stupid that they didn't know that they were trampling on my heart?

3. What do you hope the new year brings?
Inner peace and outer beauty.

4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? If yes, what will they be?
I have always been pretty balls-to-the-wall, say-what-you-feel-whenever-you-feel-it, but I made a resolution last year to introduce tact into that quality. And I've succeeded somewhat -- I have cultivated this amazing ability to say exactly what I want to say at the exact moment I want to say it, and I can leave people not knowing if they were just insulted or complimented. That, my friends, is a gift that I don't mind having.

BUT ...

I have lost some of my assertiveness, and I WANT IT BACK. There are several fights I could should have picked this year, and I either walked away from or simply downplayed my reaction to the things that irritated me. I kind of justified this as not caring enough to find out what the fuck the other person was thinking when they did/said whatever incensed me. I always hope that people will go away and think about what they did to cause me to want them out of my life, but that's too passive-aggressive for me -- I should take some small amount of joy in telling someone that he or she was a complete fucking asshole and that reparations need to be made. But when I get burned, I shut my heart down where that person is concerned. It takes a lot to make me become numb, but when I reach that point, there is no return. Ever.

In any event, I want to be more assertive in the new year. Damn it. :)

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?
I'll be hosting a get-together for a few other wayward souls. And let me tell you, this is the one time of year that I absolutely DESPISE being single and having no one to kiss at midnight (this year being another shining example), so I choose to surround myself with amazing friends to remind me that I really do have a lot of love in my life.

The Goddess Dawn @ 2:58 PM

QOTD

“Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."

-- Bill Vaughan

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:15 AM

Ho ho home

Hope everyone had a great holiday! I personally spent more than 16 hours in my car just going to and from my destinations, so to say that my ass hurts is the understatement of the year. :) Also, to say that Mom put 10 pounds on me is the other understament of the year -- we don't do gifts, but four-course meals every night are a given. Damn it -- nothing FITS!!!

I left Pittsburgh at 10:55 a.m. yesterday, went to Wheeling to pick up the boys and proceeded to be stuck in traffic on I-70 for hours upon hours. I came home after 7 p.m. to find a happy Maddie and a surly Kadi (who's about five pounds heavier from parking her ass at the auto feeder for five days). Maddie immediately jumped up into my lap and wanted to be petted; I put her down after awhile to give Kadi some attention, and this little brat immediately scratched me.

I heard from Shawn that Kadi trashed the kitchen on my first day away, and I saw for myself that she trashed my bedroom. I have shelves of Garfield collectibles, and Kadi managed to get even up to the shelves nearest the ceiling and knock shit over. One item is an irreplacable, limited-edition figurine (that retailed around $200) -- actually, pieces of it are missing or broken. I will kill that cat. I swear, when I take her to get declawed, I may just ask the vet to put her to sleep instead!

Shawn took good care of the lil rascals, and for that, I'm grateful. I was hoping, though, that the girls would learn to get along in those five days together, but the minute I walked in the door, Kadi walked up to Maddie and smacked her in the head, so Maddie body-slammed her across the room. Heh. That earned Kadi 12 solid hours in her cage, and Maddie was rewarded with Honeybaked Turkey from Grandma.

My tired ass was in bed by 8 ish last night. I just woke up, and I feel pretty good, although I know I am walking into a crisis situation at work today. When it's important enough to get two calls when you're out of state, you know shit's gonna hit the fan when you get back in town. *sigh*

The girls were in dire need of litter when I came home, but because I had taken the last parking spot in the lot, I actually walked up the street to Safeway rather than drive. Seriously, when you are lucky enough to get a spot at my complex, you don't get rid of it. Had I driven to Safeway, I would have been wise to just leave my car there, because it would've been impossible to get a spot any closer to home!

On that note, need coffee. Have a good day, and if you have a blog, I'll stop by later!

The Goddess Dawn @ 7:01 AM

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

A parting note (for now)



I know you've seen it before, but it was worth another view. Happy Winter Solstice, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Xmas Eve, and Happy Mercury in Retrograde. And if I forgot something, the pic should cover it!!!

I'm taking off for Pittsburgh in a few hours (via Wheeling, to drop off Bryan and Paul). The car is washed, vacuumed and has freshly changed oil. Thanks to Shawn for watching my babies for me while I'm away. (Aside to Shawn: There are some goodies for you on the kitchen counter! And I'm sure the girls will leave you a surprise in the litterbox, too. Oh, and that bag of green herbs is meant for kitties, not humans! Heh.)

See you all on Sunday! Lots of love and luck to you all during this festive season!

The Goddess Dawn @ 12:50 AM

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Merry fucking Christmas

'Tis the season for peace on earth and a piece of ass. Failing that, to give gifts and head. Because I will be giving no head this holiday season (nor getting my stocking stuffed), here is my gift to you. Enjoy! (And if anybody has a copy of Joni Mitchell's "River," I would love to have it. Thanks!)

Merry Fucking Christmas (Mr. Garrison)
Chirstmastime in Hell (Satan and Hitler)
Last Christmas (Wham)
Santa Baby (Kylie M.)
Please Come Home for Xmas (Jon Bon Jovi)
River (Indigo Girls)
River (Robert Downey Jr.)
All I Want for Chirstmas (Samantha Mumba)
Santa Got Stuck in My Chimney (Lisa Nicole Carson)
Xmas (Baby Please Come Home (Jon Bon Jovi)
White Christmas (Vonda Shepard, Robert Downey Jr.)
Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (Sarah McLachlan & BNL)

The Goddess Dawn @ 3:19 PM

Apparently "Queer Eye" reached the basements of Iraq. See here for the complete story.



Story found via Tiff.

The Goddess Dawn @ 1:11 PM

Awww

One of my favorite interviewees sent me a gift today -- a silver-and-black pen/stylus in a pretty silver case. The message in the card:

"I hope this little gift helps you with your already great gift for writing!"

*sob* That really made my day!

The Goddess Dawn @ 10:44 AM

Monday, December 22, 2003

Welcome back, old friend

The muse is back. It's a sequel to her previous visit. This one, though, is edited to protect the innocent. :)

Version of myself

I’ve changed so much
Since you crashed into my world
And I’d thought I was so
Articulate and thoughtful and sensitive
But I guess I wasn’t
At least, not enough
There’s something about you
That makes me want to be
A better version of myself
Not necessarily a different person
Nor someone whom you would find
Attractive or pleasant to be around
I don’t know
I guess I have watched you
For some time now
And you continually
Have this effect on me
I mean, I’ve always said
Exactly what’s on my mind
At the exact moment it occurs to me
And I’ve never really edited or censored
The slightest syllable
That has fallen from my lips
But you’re so sensitive
So observant, attentive and
So sweet
That I’d rather bleed myself dry
Than ever cause a moment of hurt
Or confusion
Or discomfort
In your life
You’ve seen enough of that already
And I still say whatever I want
But I take so much more time
More care
More pause
With my words and thoughts
Have you noticed the difference
Or have you always known
This better person resides within me
Somewhere
I’ve noticed
In dialoging with you
That I mentally stop myself
Before I say something
That could be misconstrued
And revise how I say it
(Sometimes, I revise it after
The wrong words have fallen
From my lips
And still you listen to me openly)
Because I’d rather my voice
Be something you want to hear
Again
When we’re apart
And lately
You’ve told me how you enjoy
Our time together
Our chats
Our laughter
And the feeling is mutual
But how do I say this
Without editing out too much
The sentiment behind it
How do I say that
Not only do I like
Talking so intensely as we have
But that I’ve come to depend on it
More than any breath of oxygen
I could ever inhale
That I not only adore you
But also the person I become
When we're in touch
Sometimes I feel
We’ve gone as far as we could
And there’s always been that line
That we’ve sworn not to cross
(Although, let’s face it, it’s been blurred
For quite awhile now)
You’ve been my hero
On so many occasions
And I’d like to be the same for you
In a different environment
A deeper one
A more personal one
Maybe on the other side of that surface
That we’re so conscious of
I’m tired of being so aware
That there are certain things
We should never say
Never feel
Never dream about
But the only ones placing those restrictions
On us
Are us
So what if
I told you all of this
How much I admire you
How much I’ve come to adore you
How much better a version of myself
That I have become
With your unknowing influence
And how much better I could be
With a simple touch
To accompany the smiles
The laughter
The incredible times
We seem to have
And seem to have in store
For a long time to come
If only we let it happen
Because this version of me
Fits so well with you.

The Goddess Dawn @ 11:10 PM

Not my day

OK, I've made about three dozen pretzel wreaths and about four dozen balls. My back HURTS!!!

I took a break to watch "Daria" (where I heard my favorite line, in response to a psychiatrist asking her if she always talks to computers, "Only when the refrigerator is mad at me." *snort*) and decided to get back to the Betty Crocked (you heard me right) schtick. I started two cookie recipes, only to find that I am missing unsweetened cocoa for one and honey for the other. Jimminy Christmas, what the hell? I could always do peanut butter balls, but my back will never forgive me for that.

Oh, my apartment rental place thought it would be cute to turn off the heat in our building during business hours. This, I did not have a problem with, because it was a nice day outside. But now, at 10:15 p.m., I am cold and SO IS THE AIR IN MY APARTMENT. Oh yes, the heat is NOT back on -- it's all a/c right now. And I haven't managed to get my electric blanket and comforter cleaned, so it'll be layers of clothing tonight. *sigh*

Unrelated, I had a scheme cooked up. One thing you need to understand about me is that I am always up to something. People always comment that I always have a look on my face that makes them think I am up to no good. They are right. :) Problem is, I am motivated by my schemes, and when I call them off, it's like a huge letdown. And I'm calling off the new one. For now, anyway, till a better one occurs to me.

The next two days at work are going to be cake, I tell you. Thank god. I'm overdue for some slacking. I just have to do some schedules for the new year, but I have them down on paper already; I just need to reformat and distribute them. Nearly everyone is out of the office, so I can actually keep my door open without fear of unwanted visitors. Woo hoo! I always have a big "Do Not Disturb -- Disturbed Enough Already!" sign up, and it usually keeps out the "career visitors." At least the office gossips had the sense to take vacation days this week instead of showing up and then taking vacation on company time! :)

The Goddess Dawn @ 10:10 PM

Balls (the revenge)

OK, next time I set about making Kahlua balls, amaretto balls and buckeyes, will somebody PLEASE slap some sense into me and force me to buy a food processor? Sheesh. I've been smashing cookies and nuts in plastic bags with the back of an ice cream scoop till my arms are sore.

Well, maybe not slap sense into me, but a few swats to the bottom would suffice. :)

I'm experimenting with recipes today. I'll probably have to make more come New Year's time. And the nuts still aren't smashed into a fine enough powder for my taste. But still, I'm playing with balls, and I haven't done that in a LONG time!!! (I guess I've lost my touch!)

The Goddess Dawn @ 3:46 PM

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Holiday haze

Rejected title: 'You ain't gonna shit right for a week!'

My god, it is pandemonium out there in the stores today! I Everyone's cranky and rude and literally shoving you out of the way if you take two minutes to figure out which brand of cat food you feel like buying. Sheesh.

I was in line at Wal-Mart today, and the woman behind me kept bumping me in the ass with her cart. Luckily, my ass is padded quite adequately, so it wasn't that she was inflicting pain or anything. But seriously, I was just rocking back and forth on my feet, and the second I would lean forward, she would think I was moving and would move her buggy farther up my ass. And when I went to run my credit card in the machine, she knocked me off my feet one last time. I am not real pleasant anyway, but I finally turned around and said, "Can ya quit shoving the cart up my ass PLEASE?" She quickly apologized and didn't move another inch till I had taken my bags and left the line. Asshole.

Then I got the bright idea that I feel like baking -- money is tight this year, so I figured that maybe I should make some sweet treats for my friends (in hopes, I'll admit, that they will acquire nice, cushy asses like mine after eating lots of cookies. LOL). Of course, I got everything but the Kahlua (to make Kahlua balls -- Angie's were such a hit at Shawn's party that I'm going to try to replicate the recipe), but I'll just do that tomorrow. At this late hour, I don't much feel like baking.

I'm going to attempt to do my pretzel wreaths -- they're simple but tiring. What you do is dip the top of small pretzels into white chocolate and do two circles, one on top of the other and alternating. Then you take licorice strings and lace up the ends that aren't dipped. I even bought red and green sprinkles to decorate the white chocolate. Yeah, I get into this shit sometimes. :) Although, knowing me, the ingredients will sit here for the next year or two until I actually get up the energy to make them. :)

Shawn and I went to see "Bad Santa" yesterday at this theater on Wisconsin Avenue that we walked around for 15 minutes in the freezing cold, trying to find it. There are signs everywhere for it, but who'da thunk it that you'd have to go around the block and around the side of a building and down some steps to see the fucking theater?

Ahem.

In any event, it was a dark comedy (and totally up our alley). Our favorite line (and there were many to choose from) was when Billy Bob Thornton was butt-fucking a woman in a dressing room, and John Ritter as the store manager overheard Billy saying, "You ain't gonna shit right for a week!" *snort* Beautiful, I tell you.

It's just not Christmas for me this year. I used to adore the holiday -- from the shopping to the decorating to the parties and gift exchanges. Now, it's like I can barely get through the season. This year, everyone's poor (including family), so we've all agreed to not exchange gifts. And I didn't decorate, either. I'm not the slightest bit religious (other than screaming "Oh God" in bed sometimes -- whether with or without a partner -- thank you Radio Shack for your double A battery sale! LOL), so the meaning of the season is kind of lost on me anyway, especially without my own traditions in effect. That's kind of why I wanted to do some baking -- to at least make some holiday-related treats to give away (and to consume in mass quantities, of course!).

If anyone's got any neat cookie recipes, though, I'd love to have them. Feel free to post 'em in the comments -- Mom and I are going to do the "family" thing and do some baking when I trek up to Pittsburgh later this week.

The Goddess Dawn @ 8:37 PM

Saturday, December 20, 2003

What he said

John has the best list for Santa ever!

The Goddess Dawn @ 10:00 PM

Balls

In honor of Shawn's holiday party last night, Angie and I made balls. Lots and lots of balls. She made amaretto balls and Kahlua balls; I was a perfect Little Suzy Homewrecker Maker and cooked spinach balls and cocktail meatballs.

Too weary to post much else -- need to get back to my coffee and let the hellcat Kadi out of her cage. :) Have a good Saturday, friends!

The Goddess Dawn @ 10:09 AM

Friday, December 19, 2003

Dreaming out loud again

I feel fucking amazing today. I truly believe 2004 is going to be "my year." I always have better luck in even-numbered years anyway, but this time, I just got that warm and fuzzy feeling that all will turn out well.

What's changed? Nothing. That's the amazing part. I just finally said out loud what I've always believed -- that I am just as deserving of happiness as anyone else.

That, and I seem to have developed a crush on someone. Shit. But it's so much fun in the early stages (you know, before reality bites you in the ass). So let me keep dreaming a little -- I'm much more pleasant when I'm happy!!!

The Goddess Dawn @ 12:02 PM

Friday Five

More mind-numbing joy.

1. List your five favorite beverages.
Alcohol -- does that count as five, considering that I can't stop at just one? (Kind of like Lays, and by "lays," I do NOT mean the potato chips!)

Alcoholic-wise, a nice glass of Riesling or Chardonnay is sure to make me weep with joy. Same thing with an amaretto sour, a long island iced tea (depends on who's making it, though) and a Captain and Diet Coke. There's this great alcoholic drink called Hawaiian Punch, but I can never find anyone who knows how to make it. Not like I can make one myself, though. :)

2. List your five favorite websites.
Blogs or not? 'Cause all you have to do is cruise over to the right side of my page and read the pages under "Cast" and "Inspiring Reading." Too many faves to list, and I don't want to exclude anyone.

Commercial sites -- I can't help but read the WaPo, the NY Times, Yahoo! News, Poynter Online (forum for journalists -- I'm too lazy to look up the hyperlink) and Milk and Cookies dot com for funny shit.

3. List your five favorite snack foods.
Anything that doesn't eat me first.

Seriously, I can live on snacks alone (and that would explain the size of my ass these days *sigh*). I cannot win a battle against ice cream, chocolate-covered popcorn, Wasabi peas, Reese's peanut butter cups or chocolate-raspberry truffles. *drool*

4. List your five favorite board and/or card games.
I fucking hate board games and card games. I usually end up playing with uber-competitive people, and it just sucks when people are out to win and not to have fun with friends. I'll play drinking games, as long as I can drink no matter what happens (somebody bounces a quarter and Dawn drinks; somebody loses an eyelash and Dawn drinks, etc.).

Although .... I must take exception for Erica's Sunday Night Sex Show Drinking Game, whereby you drink pretty much any time Sue Johansen (an elderly granny type) gives you the heaves when she's talking about blow jobs and great sexual positions. Although, again, see previous rule that Dawn drinks no matter what happens. ... ;)

5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games.
I don't do games. Used to play Tetris, but that was back when it was created. And seeing people playing Solitaire on the computer is a raging joke at work, so I stay far away from it and similar games. I'd rather read blogs or get the hell offline and read a real book or something!

The Goddess Dawn @ 12:35 AM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Blah

I've been uninspired to post today. On a whim, I had asked my designer to come into the office yesterday instead of today, and I must thank my humble spirit guides for directing me to do so, because our advertisements were a disaster. They're usually a mess in general, but this month, half the documents were corrupted and the other half were created on a system more advanced than mine, so I couldn't even get them open. In the wee hours of this morning, he got the fuckers to work and to read right, and I got the document back today to do last-minute edits and to toss in some late-arriving graphics.

This, of course, would have been a breeze, but two ads weren't even FedExed till today, so they had to be re-routed to the print shop. And then, of course, we have this ridiculous company that services our Macs, but all they do is fuck up my settings and cause setbacks. Whenever I give them a laundry list of my problems, they claim to fix them, but what they really do is go into my extensions folder and turn everything off. You know, because you really don't need a font manager when you're producing a 72-page Quark document. Morons.

So my designer literally sat with me on the phone for an hour and a half, because the moron from the Mac company decided to erase my Acrobat Distiller settings, so I couldn't make a PDF of the document (we have to FTP each individual page as a PDF to the printer). Actually, what was fucked up was that I did make an initial PDF, but half of the color pages showed up as black-and-white. You know, because that's so helpful when you're working on a deadline.

I have helped to get the Mac service company fired, as of immediately and no later. In fact, I also put a bug in the right people's ears to just hire my designer as our tech support person, because he knows his stuff and he doesn't charge $500 for emergency phone calls in which Dawn becomes the helpless female who can't use her technology. (Vibrators I can handle; Mac G4s with errors implanted by idiotic supposed profesionals are a little beyond my limits!)

Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, why the hell is everything so difficult? My writer, designer and I have our processes down to a science, but invariably, the advertisements and the damage done by the "repairmen" cause two solid days of downtime. *scream* No wonder I get migraines!

There's this old dude who has been calling me at work practically every day since last December. I have actually reached a point where I never even pick up the fucking phone anymore, because he's calling three or four times a day to chat. And when I accidentally picked up yesterday (awaiting a call from my ad rep), he was on the line and got mad at me for not calling him back. I snapped that I was in the middle of a crisis (and I was), so I was indisposed. So he tried to ask me to call him that evening. He's 83 and a darling chap, but for Christ's sake, I am not the entertainment of the day. I wonder if this is what my grandfather does to people he calls at companies when he needs customer service. Mom reports that he's on the phone forever sometimes; I always feel bad for the guy who calls me and try to hang in there and be interested and attentive. But this just wasn't one of those times. Hallelujah that I'm working off-site for the next two workdays -- my voice mail log is about 86 percent full of calls from him ALONE!!!

Ahem.

Hung out at Shawn's hacienda this evening while he cleaned and I threw together a cheese/meat plate for his holiday soiree tomorrow evening. 'Twas the only time today that I managed to relax (that, and of course after my PDFs were made). Hurrah for the men in my life (except the old dude -- somebody needs to put me out of my misery and remove my number from his speed dial!). But ain't that the bitch of it all -- young, hot, fuckable men are NEVER trying to hunt me down, but man, if they're 83, they're ALL over my voice mail!

I'm delirious. Speaking of putting me out of my misery, it's time for NyQuil!!!

The Goddess Dawn @ 11:29 PM

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Unblocked

Here's to the first poem I've written in two years. My inspiration came back, and I shall entertain this muse as long as she's willing to stay. ;)

Again
I hang up the phone
And smile for moments that turn into hours
Just for the fact that we’ve connected
It’s been so long
Since I’ve felt the slightest inspiration
To write, to rhyme, to create
Anything that will outlive
The daydreams and memories
That I never see fit to record on paper
Because the images are too precious
Too tantalizing
To wish to share
Even with a computer screen
Yet without even noticing it
You’ve inspired me
To write
To dream again
To wonder what if
And I don’t know what to do with this
Sudden desire to caputre my fascination
With the cerulean and seafoam
Shades in your eyes
The curve of your lashes
The faint smile on your lips
When you’re intrigued by my chatter
Or your incredulity at my boldness
When I start to say something
That could change this easiness between us
For a long time to come
We both have
So much to overcome
Within ourselves
For this to ever stand a chance
Of not plummeting into some flaming abyss
And I know
Even though you are so much more
Worldly than I
That I am more ready for this
Than you may ever be
Your ghosts are more recent, more vivid
Of love left unresolved
And questions unanswered
From beyond this reality
And it was this passion
That captivated you so
That drew me in and
Caused me to invite myself to stay
Just to learn
How someone could love so much
With such passion and depth
And it makes me wonder
If you could ever love again
And if I could ever be so fortunate
To feel a little bit of it
Or maybe more
If you could spare it
Or if you could allow your heart
To let someone else, someone different in
What would she have said
Were she around
To give you her blessing
Do you think
She wants you to take the love
You so generously gave to her
And to let someone else
Feel so bathed in adoration
As she once enjoyed
Could you do it again
Or would it only come from half your heart
If it could ever flow again
How I await
The right moment
To come along
For something, anything
To manifest itself
To let me know
Whether to hang in there
Or let you go
But in any event
I’m all the better for having known you
And having had the opportunity to see
That a woman can be loved
More than she ever dreamed possible
And it gives me hope that
Whether or not you are the one to give it to me
I still shouldn’t stop believing that it exists
Because clearly it did
Clearly it can
And I want nothing less
For myself
So thank you
For allowing me to dream
A little while longer
A little more boldly
A little more expectantly
Thank you for giving me
The courage to break the writer’s block
And dream out loud
Again.

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:41 PM

Eye candy

For the record, I just want to say that there are some HOT guys in Rockville, Md. (of all friggin' places). At Shawn's company holiday party last night (where I had the pleasure of hanging with the illustrious and ever-charming Scott), I was happily drooling all over myself and my $37 cocktail dress (which retailed around $200 -- woo hoo, do I know how to shop for these things!). I'm not sure if the hot boys (other than my uber-attractive buddies) actually work at his company or whether they were guests of invitees, but I will certainly play nice and hope to be invited to future events there. *bats lashes*

Was home in time to watch the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" video debut for "All Things Just Keep Getting Better." I'm waiting for a remix to come out so that we can hear it in all the gay clubs from now till doomsday. :) I was impressed that Wayne Isham was the director -- he did about a gazillion of Bon Jovi's videos, so he has all my respect. Although he really needed to do something about those sunglasses he wore. ... ;)

Well, I curled my hair for the second day in a row. People think I have a job interview or something. I actually quit curling my hair more than a year ago, due to complaints from Upper McManagement that they didn't like the way I look. As if they have ANY room to speak, but I shall digress before becoming too catty on this wondrous Hump Day (without the hump, of course!).

I sat in oodles upon oodles of traffic on the Beltway last night. I told Shawn that he's the only person on earth for whom I would do that -- and I looked like a dog's ass when I got to said destination. *shudder* Thanks to the lovely Linda, I was able to get into the locked ladies' room to apply about a pound and a half of makeup and to remove my tennis shoes (for driving), as the dress was designed for a gal in heels. So when I got my heels on, well, I couldn't fasten the tiny buckles on each ankle strap because I just got a manicure and I can't do shit with these claws. Luckily, Shawn saved the day and fastened the buckles for me, although not before a colleague caught him bowing at my feet. *swoon* All girls should have a man at their feet, even if only for a moment. It's heavenly to be serviced. ;)

It was most excellent that I already knew a handful of people at the soiree, so it wasn't like I was meeting EVERYBODY for the first time. In fact, a lot of these folks shall be at Shawn's holiday party on Friday, so it will be good to see most of them again. Note that I say most. But alcohol shall prevail, and everybody is lovely when I've had alcohol. In fact, I should have some right now here at work, and maybe I wouldn't have the damn crow's feet I've recently acquired from glaring at my enemies. :)

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:13 AM

Since I'm awake at this ridiculous hour

The Goddess Dawn @ 7:21 AM

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Off to see the wizard. ...

Actually, just to meet Shawn in Rockville and go to his company's holiday party tonight. I cut the tags off my dress and it doesn't quite fit as well as when I bought it on sale this summer. :( Oh well. I haven't really eaten in two days and that still doesn't help matters.

If you're into prayer, send me good wishes while I'm on the Beltway. I hate that fucking thoroughfare!!!

The Goddess Dawn @ 4:33 PM

Monday, December 15, 2003

Milestone

I wished my designer a happy anniversary today -- we have produced a solid year's worth of newspapers together without killing each other or anybody else. Although, granted, the temptation to knock out the lights of the people who are making us earn every single gray hair on our heads can be overpowering sometimes. :)

I had a funny feeling that I would put in my resignation during this issue. Seriously, I get the idea (and nobody's convinced me otherwise) that certain people want me to fail. I've been given an indication that these people don't necessarily believe all the computer problems I tell them I have (and believe me, I have more than they will ever hear about). I got chastised mightily for being up-front about slicing some editorial last month (that nobody even knew existed until, in the fair interest of disclosure, I happened to mention). I thought I would be proactive and tell them what I cut and why I decided to cut it (complete with budgetary backup). The response? That I am never ever to cut editorial without informing my supervisor first. My supervisor, of course, not having a journalism background and certainly not there during late nights locked in the castle, forcing the computer to, well, compute. Not to mention having to re-lay out the paper every time a new ad comes in -- shouldn't paid space be more important than editorial? Sheesh. Fuck me for having priorities.

I was also forbidden from editing a submission -- this announcement, of course, arrived AFTER I had edited the thing. I was ordained to send it back and have the original writer chop it up, which she did, but I know that my editing was way better. However, I may not, as editor, do, OH, EDITING, but I have now been told to chase after another person to learn how to do their job. Which, of course, has something to do with the paper, but the reason I need to pick it up is because it isn't being done by the person who was supposed to do it.

So I lost my marbles last week, noting to my supervisor, "OK. So I can't cut editorial. I can't cut ads. I can't edit certain people's submissions. But I have to go chase after (insert name) and tell them do their job so that they can teach me how to do it? Is this the TWILIGHT ZONE?!?!"

Of course, when I saw my supervisor's frustration (partly at me; mostly at Cruise Director), I quieted down. She called off today -- I wondered if it were a silent protest to the absolute inanity that went down last week.

In any event, this issue that I'm working on is important to me -- I've been editor (in function and mostly in title) of my publication for a year, and at this time last year, I had no idea what I was in store for or how I would do it. All I really knew is that I would somehow do it. And without the political bullshit, it's a good job. But the political bullshit (read: "other duties as assigned") is the tough part.

But what I am proudest of is the communication I have with my staff, only one of whom works in my building (most are in other cities, states and time zones). All of the relationships came together very easily and continue to do so. We get frustrated but never really get irritated with each other -- we talk and process and laugh and bitch. I would love to keep this job but work from home -- anything to minimize the distractions and hoop-jumping that is expected outside of our little circle. Just goes to show that I need to run my own company, and I'm really never going to be truly happy until I do. But I know who I will call when I need help with that company, and thanks to the loyalty and respect we have cultivated, I know that they would be more than happy to help, when the time comes.

Happy anniversary, Veggie Patch Gazette. Here's to a year of hard work under our belts!

The Goddess Dawn @ 6:23 PM

Sunday, December 14, 2003

*sniffle*

The beloved Eat 'n Park commercial, with the tree and the star. Now that I've seen it, I can finally get into the holiday spirit. It's a lifetime tradition for me, you see -- as soon as that commercial debuts for the season, it's Christmas.

Go watch -- I'll be here with tissues when you come back.

Thanks to Tiff for sharing the link!

The Goddess Dawn @ 5:40 PM

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Happy birthday Shawn!!!

The Goddess Dawn @ 5:43 PM

Friday, December 12, 2003

Popcorn Bandit strikes again

A few entries ago, I introduced you to the Popcorn Bandit at the Veggie Patch, who stole a tin of popcorn from the executive staff. This, my friends, became an international act of espionage, so much so that the original giver of the popcorn tin was last spotted bringing in a replacement. Jesus Christ.

Popcorn Bandit had taken a vacation day today, but because we had a potluck lunch, she drove into the office (all the way from Maryland) so she could pig out on the offerings. Ugh. I hate seeing her at potlucks -- she clearly has an aversion to using, oh, UTENSILS to take the food out of the dishes. Ugh. She's always the first person at the lunches, and she is always seen talking with her mouth full. So. Very. Gross.

She had brought in cookies as her contribution (Shan, RC, Angie and I bought pizzas -- we refuse to eat any homemade crap). Well, just before the lunch ended, she covered up her cookies and took them. Our buddy Scott who was sitting with us saw this and called her out for stealing more food. She said that she baked those cookies, so he asked if we missed our opportunity to have them. She said yes but gave him one cookie and took the rest and ran out the door. Moron.

I actually won a door prize at the potluck, which was funny because I wasn't going to go (seeing as though my appendix burst the day after the last potluck -- bad, bad memories). I got a pack of those chocolate oranges that you smash on something and they break apart. Loudly, I declared, "Hey, I need a blunt object to smash these on. Oh, wait, there's Town Crier!" Only thing was, I used her real name. :)

Town Crier also got a door prize. What they do is line all the winners up and have us draw numbers for whatever prize we'll get. Shan said that, when Town Crier was called up, she said the look of pure disgust on my face was visible from her seat about 50 feet away. Heh. I don't even try to hide it. I would've been more than happy to administer a door prize to Town Crier -- like my foot up her ass.

The Goddess Dawn @ 8:21 PM

*snerk*

I needed some humor today, although even this isn't enough to make my workplace bearable. ;) Enjoy!

The Goddess Dawn @ 3:18 PM

Friday Five

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?
About as much as I enjoy working for a living, especially for this bunch of assholes -- NO!

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?
I've spent every holiday with my family (which is down to Mom and my grandfather). I'd prefer for it to be in a tropical locale or, at the very least, I'd love it if they could do the drive to see me instead of me lugging the screaming pussies up north.

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?
There is someone who is no longer in my life who crosses my mind every Christmas Eve, so sometime around midnight, I sit in front of my tree and feel sad and yet happy to have known that person at all.

When my grandmother was still with us (and I was still in Pittsburgh), we always went to Rhoda's (now Kazansky's) Deli in Squirrel Hill, where we got all the fixin's for corned beef sandwiches, and we always picked up a pizza at Mineo's across the street. That was a New Year's Eve tradition, actually. And when my great-grandmother was still around, we always put shiny new quarters outside for the turn of another new year. Not sure what that was all about -- I believe it was a good luck thing. I'm still waiting for that good luck to kick in. :)

I normally put up a tree, but with Kadi the hellcat on the loose (gaah, you should see my wrists today -- I look like I am a cutter -- and I forgot about it till I put on perfume -- HOLY FUCKING SHIT DID THAT BURN!!!!), that's a no-go. When I have my tree up, I sleep in the living room so I can see the lights when I wake up my usual million times a night.

That, of course, and drinking myself into oblivion, as often as possible. ;)

4. Do you do anything to help the needy?
If, by needy, you are referring to me, then yes. I don't plan to give gifts this year, in honor of paying my bills. I used to do a lot of volunteer work with charities, so I don't feel too bad about focusing on me for a change.

5. What one gift would you like for yourself?
An iBook with an Airport card. A girl can dream, can't she?

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:39 AM

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Welcome to the Patch, redux

We have yet another character to add to the official Veggie Patch Playset: Fudge.

After talking about bathroom funk, Shan and I wondered how we could POSSIBLY forget the gal who takes a dump every day at noon (who isn't so good about flushing or wiping properly -- sometimes she wipes her ass on the seat) and who NEVER washes her hands. Yes, everyone extend a warm welcome (but certainly not your hand!) to the newest Playset member! :)

Unrelated ...

Jane asked if it's OK to say "fuck" around here. Hell fuckin' yeah!!! ;) We need to swear some more around here. Come on, kids, tell me what's pissing you off today. ... ;)

The Goddess Dawn @ 12:48 PM

Now I've heard everything

Rejected title: The Wizard of Awes

Okay, so I volunteered to assist at the opening party of my organization's annual conference. I did this not knowing what the theme would be.

The theme, you ask? "The Wizard of Oz." Hand-picked by Pride Fag, our fearless leader.

*roflmfao*

He'll probably dress as Dorothy.

Someone in the room asked, "Can I bring my dog to play Toto?" I stifled the urge to say, "No, that'll be Pride Fag's boyfriend." *snerk*

This was announced in a meeting today. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I don't know if anybody else in the room had a concept of what a big gay icon it is (the movie, not our leader). I suggest we just make the ballroom a big gay disco and sell drugs instead of drinks.

The Goddess Dawn @ 11:12 AM

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Sounds of the season, revisited

So I was in Wal-Mart hell this evening, picking up cough drops, NyQuil (sweet nectar of the gods) and other drugs to kick this fucking case of typhoid, and I wandered into the clothing area. This guy came running into the area, looked around (but didn't look in my direction, about five feet away), stopped dead in his tracks and emitted the loudest and nastiest expulsion of bodily fumes that one could imagine. Ick. I jerked my shopping cart and headed for the hills, and when he saw me, he jumped five feet and ran in the opposite direction. If I could have gotten through the barrier of methane, I would've pointed him toward the Gas X pills. *shudder*

I was working late tonight when I saw a strange car in the parking lot at work -- the same car that's always there late at night. And now that the office was broken into last night, I grabbed Angie and suggested we motor, so we could walk to our cars together. The person sat in his car for a long time, rustling around but not moving. I was brave enough to drive past and get his license plate, and I stopped a few feet away to leave a message for H.R. to tell her to run the plate. Of course, my phone kept vibrating in my hand, and I couldn't make the call while the plate was still fresh in my mind, so I had to keep reciting the number till the phone stopped wiggling. I hope I recalled it correctly. *sigh* It's bad enough that two cars have been stolen from the parking lot at my apartment (and I STILL have to park up the hill by the rental office 'cause there's never a spot for me!); now I have to worry about being robbed at work ... and, of course, being flatulated on at Wallyworld. Ugh.

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:31 PM

Welcome to the Patch!

I want to introduce new characters to the Veggie Patch Playset.

For the unfamiliar, I work for the Veggie Patch (or Club Medicated, take your pick). Shan and I came up with a "Veggie Patch Playset" that serves as the backdrop of our daily adventures. For a nominal fee, participants can secure a supplemental "Veggie Pak" full of samples of Zoloft, Xanax, Paxil, Prozac, fuzzy bunny slippers and pill cups.

Today we added "Skipper," the newly promoted assistant for King Kumquat of the Veggie Patch (otherwise known as Cruise Director of Club Medicated). Skipper came from being Barbie's sidekick. Do the math on that one.

We also added Popcorn Bandit (see two entries ago), formerly Candy Pig.

But the crowning jewel on our tiara of hysteria came when Shan was mentioning that, more than a week ago, somebody was supposed to give her something vital to doing her job. She still hasn't received said item. I said that she'd have better luck asking Santa Claus for said item, because we have a better chance asking a figment of our imaginations than this real-live (sort of) person. Long story short (after some discussion of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy), we renamed this dipshit the Halitosis Fairy. Instead of money under your pillow, you get a cloud of funk in your office.

Speaking of funk in the office, it's clear that nobody cleaned the bathroom floors last night. It's a fucking health hazard, the drops of blood that have been there for two friggin days. Ugh.

I'm getting sick. It's official -- I should've gotten a flu shot. Of course, it doesn't help that the A/C is on in my building, blowing out the vents right above my desk. I sound like I swallowed a fucking frog. Of course, one might argue that I kiss a lot of frogs, and maybe I just sucked on one a little too hard.

Eh, forget that last part. I've used up my humor for the day! Anybody have a cough drop?

The Goddess Dawn @ 3:38 PM

Non sequitur

Truth in advertising is alive and well, my friends. ...

The Goddess Dawn @ 12:24 PM

'Popcorn bandit'

My workplace never fails to amuse me.

So yesterday, our marketing director gave each department that she works with a huge popcorn tin. I don't really work with her, but she did give a tin to Demure to share with the membership and newspaper staffs. In any event, the office Candy Pig was last seen stealing the tin from the executive staff. I think she even took it home. She raids everybody's candy jars, but that was ridiculous -- I even overheard other staff chastising her for being such a greedy little shit.

So Demure decided to take our departmental popcorn tin and lock it in her office last night, hidden in a corner. (Insert my snickering that it's not, say, a toner cartridge or corporate credit card, but a $7.99 Wal-Mart popcorn tin!)

In any event, our offices were broken into last night. I probably left around 7, so it was after that. The weird thing is that nothing was stolen. Several offices showed signs of forced entry (not mine or anyone else I like, although, granted, that doesn't leave many people!). I decided that it was Candy Pig who broke into all the offices, looking for popcorn tins. :) Shan liked that and decided we should call her Popcorn Bandit from now on. :)

Related. ...

That's scary about the break-in last night. I'm always among the late shift -- oftentimes I'm the only one here. I filed a report three weeks ago with H.R. to say that every night and weekend, there are shady people supposedly fixing their cars out by our dumpsters. It's the same white car and black car, and there's occasionally a silver Eclipse. I assume it's a drug ring, but in any situation, it's frightening to see 14 people and two or three cars at any given time. I had warned all my fellow employees that they shouldn't park behind the building (which I do, because I can watch my car from my office) after hours, and I thought H.R. should officially step in and be proactive about us taking safety precautions. And she did respond to my report, saying that she would have the building management send a memo to all businesses in the building about suspicious activities and maybe giving us a list of ways to protect ourselves.

So, fast-forward to today, and don't make me state the obvious that I never heard word one since my report. Cruise Director sent out an e-mail to all of us, stating things like, "In case you haven't heard about the break-in" and "if you see anything suspicious, let us know." It took all the power in me to not respond with, "What? And wait till I'm 35 for you to do something with my report?"

I told Shan that I'd like to see H.R. offer some type of safety or self-protection seminar, to respond to this. She said H.R. will probably rant (like always) that people hate it when she schedules things. I told her I probably don't even have the time personally to attend such a seminar, but they need to show some sort of response and aftercare for their (mostly female) employee pool. Of course, there I go again, offering ideas and solutions and not being happy with the status quo. Bad girl. :)

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:21 AM

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Baby steps

I continue to be awed and inspired and so very much encouraged by all the great comments I've been receiving about my pending business venture. Thanks and hugs o'plenty for the sentiments!

I just did a huge entry (that got lost) about Phase One, which occurred today. Let's just say that it went fine. It unfortunately revealed another roadblock, which I will call Having to Run it Up the Flagpole. Meaning, the right person agreed, but Someone Else has to approve or it's a bust. This has to do with securing free/cheap space in which to host said project (because you can't meet clients in your home, not that I'd want to, for this particular project). But, just in case, there will be a backup plan.

I had the best therapy last night -- I wrote a business plan. I immersed myself in it, actually. It's not overly formal -- I just laid out my goals and objectives (believe it or not, there's a difference!), figured out what to do and when to do it, and thought about how to do it. In fact, I've pretty much been spending every free minute on this -- it is what is really important to me right now. I love to sit and dream and plan, only now, the stakes are so much higher -- I have to put this plan into motion, and that's something new to me. I am horrible with follow-through. I don't nomally prioritize well -- usually something else unrelated comes up and my attention becomes permanently diverted. In any event, I'm not going to save the world, but I'm sure as hell going to try. :)

Shan and I met with a make-it-happen person today, who gave us lots of advice. And we appreciated it (really, the support behind it), but we disagreed with some of it. We want to start small and manageable, and build up as we work out the bugs and kinks and manage to free up more and more time (i.e., we can't quit our day jobs -- this is just an off-hours venture for now). He suggested the reverse -- get capital (human and financial) and dream big. Do something huge and, while we're enjoying the successs from that, start the smaller, side projects. I like that idea, but for now, we need small, measurable successes to continue encouraging us. I would hate to put in a lot of work into one big venture and watch it flop. He's concerned, though, that a small venture may lead to a small -- yet so very large -- failure. He doesn't want us to invest our hopes in this series of successes and get crushed if the house of cards falls down right away. But our small venture doesn't require much for start-up, and therefore, if it flops (which Shan says it never will because we will refuse to accept failure as an option), we haven't lost much.

In any event, it feels so very good to have a purpose -- to channel my energies for my future. Shan and I have kind of had a "No Negativity" theme going this week -- don't allow anybody (including ourselves) to burst our bubble about anything. Even at work, we're not complaining about it, instead just shaking our heads and reminding ourselves that the pain can't and won't last forever.

If I can be honest, I'm scared. But it's a good type of scared -- more like butterflies instead of rocks in my stomach. I think about this all the time now. Shan and I are huge proponents of the possibilities once we have established one project -- we will make this one self-sufficient, and we will go on to create more and more. It's a neat precipice to be standing on ... and to REALIZE you're standing on it. Because this is the time we're going to remember when we're looking back and smiling at how hard it was until we found a way to make things better. Things don't have to be hard. They really don't. Or, at least, they don't have to be hard forever. You find ways to cope or, better yet, overcome. And then, you show others how to do it for themselves.

And that, my friends, is the plan, and I'm stickin' to it!!! ;)

The Goddess Dawn @ 5:38 PM

Hoe hoe hoe

Naughty Gingerbreadman

The Goddess Dawn @ 8:36 AM

Holiday movies for kids ...

Rejected title: 'Anthropomorphic fucktards run around in the snow and giggle'

... reviewed by and for the cynical adult. These are real reviews for real movies -- a bit old but still funny as shit.

On the "Christmas in the Snow" Teletubbies movie: They say the secret to a successful movie pitch is distilling the plot down to a single sentence. For example, Die Hard's pitch would be "Man fights terrorists in an office building," while the pitch for Never Been Kissed would be "Drew Barrymore eats own weight in fudge." Well, if that theory is correct, Teletubbies might be the most successful movie of all time, because its pitch is simply "Anthropomorphic fucktards run around in the snow and giggle."

From "The Christmas Story Keepers":So it's pretty exciting stuff. Between bouts of hiding behind inanimate objects, the fat guy sits the children down and tells them Bible stories. It's also worth noting that the segues into these stories are always set up in the most blatant manner possible, such as having one of the kids say, "Look at that river! I wish *I* could walk on the water!" To which the fat guy will naturally respond, "You know who could walk on water? JESUS." These segues are easily the most enjoyable moments of the film, and some of them had me cracking up. In fact, I've spent the last several days annoying everybody in my life by shamelessly copying this movie ("You know who else hated ninjas? JESUS." "You know who else sucked at Mario Kart? JESUS."). So for those who have complained that my reviews are always too negative, there's a positive point for you. This movie makes blasphemy fun for the whole family."

The Goddess Dawn @ 8:18 AM

Monday, December 08, 2003

Santa Claus died

*updated*

I had a major meltdown yesterday morning. I got paid (yes, we get paid on the 7th and 22nd and have furlough days in between. What a company!), so I was writing out my bills. Turns out that my FUCKING insurance company decided to cancel my policy because I sent my payment in LATE.

I hate insurance companies with every ounce of bile in my body. Really -- there was no official due date for the payment, so I sent the check when I got paid (see screwy schedule above). They clearly cashed the check but decided that it wasn't received in a timely enough fashion, so I need to pay the balance ($642) by Christmas Eve, or I have no policy.

I lost my fucking mind. I called my agent and rambled for 20 minutes how I'm not able to afford Christmas this year anyway and how my darling company sees fit to furlough days and negatively impact my bill-paying process anyway, so if they think I can pull $642 outta my ass right now -- especially during this festive season -- they can sit and spin. Further, I told him, I will be glad to drive the car off the nearest cliff on the day before the policy expires. Therefore, he needs to figure out how we can resolve this. I don't care if they even want the next payment now -- $211 is better than $642 anyday!

*deep, cleansing breaths* Serenity, now, my friends. I shall overcome. I have a plan. I'm not talking about the plan, but I've got one. Let's just say that I am calming myself with thoughts of these insurance companies and creditors lining up at MY doorstep, begging to have me as a client because I'm such a desirable candidate. And someday, I will slam that door in their faces, instead of begging them to not kick me out of their systems.

Update
*whew* My broker came in and saved the day (I was ready to have him sign me up for another insurance plan). All I have to do is pay my normal payment by the end of the month, and I'm in the clear. You could tell he was praying that he got my voice mail when he called and I picked up. He asked me what furlough days are, and I explained that I hated being behind in my payment, too, but if you are barely taking home enough money to pay your rent/car payments (especially when you were expecting more), it's hard to meet all your bills right away. He was very cool, and I am a happy girl. It's still gonna be a sucky Christmas as far as having money to burn, but I'll be OK. I always am.

Phase One of Dawn's Grand Scheme goes into effect tomorrow. If you're so inclined to pray or hope or send good wishes, I'm taking my first step toward my future around 10 a.m. :)

The Goddess Dawn @ 10:00 AM

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Dream workout

Shan called this morning and asked if I'd want to go work out this afternoon at the evil empire of Bally. I said sure, got ready, cleaned the metric ton (it seemed) of snow off of my car, fought moronic drivers down Little River Turnpike and parked right by her. She jumped out of her car and said, "Wanna go to the Chinese buffet instead?" So I said sure, and off we went. Our workout was running around the buffet spread, picking out lunch. Now THAT was my idea of a workout!!!

The Goddess Dawn @ 4:01 PM

Friday, December 05, 2003

*rofl*

I LOVE this!!! Thanks, Leslie, for making me smile today!

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:53 AM

Snow glorious snow

You know, it snowed way more when I lived in Pittsburgh, but I just don't remember the sticky white stuff being such an inconvenience there.

On the news last night, I heard that the City of Alexandria only budgeted for $24 million for snow-related services -- after blowing the budget sky-high last year with more than $48 million spent on salting, shoveling and hauling the shit somewhere. I was also disturbed when the newscaster noted that they will not pre-salt the roads just before the snow starts, nor will they be able to get to all the areas of the city -- just the ones that really need it, and if there are materials left over, then they'll take care of the areas that weren't hit so hard.

*thunk*

Really, in Pennsylvania (and I'm sure, many other northern states), the reason the commutes aren't overly treacherous is because PennDOT is on the roads all night, salting away so that, when the storms hit, the snow is melting practically upon impact. And as far as the "we'll get to you .... maybe" point, well, I would like a refund on my personal property taxes, then, if my residence in the city doesn't mean a damn thing (remember how I went without power/hot water for seven days after Hurricane Cuntrag this summer?).

It seems like only an inch has accumulated outside, but on the radio this morning, the list of accidents in the D.C. metro area was mind boggling, and most of them are in Northern Virginia. I'm sure there are horrifyingly bad drivers everywhere, but an unusual number of them seem to be concentrated here. That's all the more reason to prep the roads before the masses get behind their wheels and terrorize innocent drivers.

In any event, I shall keep watching for the federal government to close, because, even though I'm not really afraid of driving in snow, I sure can use a day off from work!

The Goddess Dawn @ 8:08 AM

Thursday, December 04, 2003

A walk in my own shoes

I had a vision of my name in lights.

I write often about how I'm going to change the world ... or, rather, how I'm going to change mine. So everyone may be yawning and saying "whatever" when they read that first sentence of this entry, but this time, I've raised the stakes. If I don't make a difference right now, I never will. And I will no longer permit myself to dream about it, if I don't get off my ass this instant and start my own personal revolution.

I was doing a lot of thinking during the brief drive to work (thank you Van Dorn Street for being traffic-free today!). I thought about the cliche of "having shoes to fill." No, I'm not talking about Carrie in "Sex and the City" with her $400 Manolos. I'm talking about people's expectations of you versus your own expectations. We think of filling someone's shoes as being an honor, a privilege, a challenge -- for example, carrying on in the name of fallen heroes, or even stepping into a higher position at work when someone has left.

But sometimes, it feels like we are expected to fill smaller, tighter shoes that chafe. Like, when you hear enough negative things about yourself (from the source or from third parties) that you might start to shrink into those shoes. Like if someone has an opinion about you -- and you don't even necessarily have to agree with it -- then there is that fleeting moment of paranoia that maybe everybody is thinking that about you. Why are they thinking it? Is that because that's how you are, or maybe that's the road you're heading down? And if you're heading down that path anyway (or you arrived and didn't even realize it), maybe you just grow into those shoes and just be as (insert adjective) as people see you?

In my bedroom closet, I must have at least 100 pairs of shoes, and I probably can name 100 different adjectives about myself that I can wear with each pair. So what if I've gotten most of them from Parade of Shoes, Payless and Marshall's (i.e., on discount) -- each one, in some way, reflects a little bit of me. Some are loud and flashy, some are funky, some conservative, some barely noticeable, some brand-spanking and never worn, some worn about a dozen more times than they should have been. Some are too loose, some too tight and some fit beautifully and make me feel great when I have them on.

Some days, I choose my shoes. Other days, I'm running late and grab whatever's nearby. One could say that, each day, I make a conscious or maybe even subconscious decision about the shoes I plan to fill for the day. Metaphorically, I don't give a shit about anybody's opinion but mine. And that's an opinion I really need to carry over into my personal life and work life.

Our on-site mental health professional was talking to me today about my horrific letters to the editor of late. He asked what the publisher does to ensure that I am personally OK after reading the onslaught of insults. I laughed and said nothing. He said he's concerned about my well-being, that a person can only hear so much crap about themselves (particularly when it's fabricated in someone else's mind) before it takes a toll on their mental well-being.

You know, this was the first time anybody ever asked me what I felt -- I always read the letters, call the people assholes, edit the letters and run them in the magazine. Same with other kinds of criticism I get -- I process it and take what I want out of it. And I likened the process to going to a psychic. I said that the psychic tells you all kinds of things, and it's up to you to decide what you really want to take out of the reading, and you have to just not let yourself be bothered by the rest. Same with the letters -- I find the point or the news in each one, and I just look past the personal slights that are made in someone else's anger. He told me I have an impressively thick skin, and that if I ever want to process my thoughts with a professional, his door is always open.

I guess I'm just feeling really good today. It's nice to be validated. The negativity surrounding me has been sitting on my shoulders, and no matter how hard I shake it off, it clings harder to me. And I don't want to become negative just because it's always there, tempting me to wallow in its power. And like the quote I posted yesterday, confidence comes with action, not before action. Same thing with hope and happiness -- waiting for it to happen isn't going to make it come any sooner -- we've just gotta hang in there and make our own. And it's my time to do just that.

The Goddess Dawn @ 9:39 AM

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

'Living confidence'

I'm not going to be original today (because I am up to something and I'm staying on the downlow), but I did want to share something that inspired me today:

Living confidence

Think of confidence not as something you need, or as something you must somehow acquire before taking action. Instead, see confidence as something you do, as something you express, and then go do it.

Real confidence comes from the act of investing yourself in it. Real confidence comes with action, not in advance of action.

If you wait in idleness for confidence to somehow magically come, it never will, but there is no need to wait. Everything you need to take action is there, whether you are confident or not.

Confidence can add a powerful positive dimension to all you do. To make confidence take hold, build it with your actions.

Let go of the myth that you must first be confident before proceeding forward. Go ahead, make the effort, and the confidence will surely come to add even more power to your actions.

Stop waiting, stop wishing for confidence. Go ahead, take action, and start living the experience of it.

-- Ralph Marston

The Goddess Dawn @ 5:41 PM

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

How to irritate an editor

I love letters to the editor, even if they are telling me that I am a freak who is in favor of child molestation (which I am not) and that I am too sympathetic toward sex offenders (again, which I am not).

The common thread (other than insanity, fingerpointing and whining) among the 10 letters I received was a complaint that I didn't get a professional rebuttal that was specific to the interviewee's personal statements (I suppose they're right, although I do submit the excuse that I wrote the story on furlough days; therefore, it was unpaid time, so they're lucky they had a story to read. LOL). But the beauty of the vicious and twisted viewpoints these "professionals" presented was that they have just provided the balance they sought. Wonderful. Happy now?

Word to the wise: if you ever write a letter to the editor, kindly do NOT use the editor's name in every sentence. Especially when it's a two-page fax that I'm going to have to type in anyway. Really -- I like my name, and I hate hearing you use it, especially when you rant for two pages but fail to make any real point.

And this "Have a nice day!" shit at the end of your rant -- really, a woman sent in an exhaustive but fairly intelligent argument, but when she ended her letter with that, well, she lost my respect and attention. Quit while you're ahead, friends. That's all I'm askin' here.

Now that everyone's had a chance to say their peace ... can't we all just get along? Finally?!?!

The Goddess Dawn @ 5:39 PM

Monday, December 01, 2003

Sounds of the (fucking) season

Subtitle: Hark, hear my screams

First of all, a warm welcome to visitors who come via Dave Copeland, a fellow journalist and Pittsburgher. The link he referred you guys to was this one, although you might also enjoy this pic, sent to me from another Pittsburgh (Fox Chapel) expatriate who's enjoying life in Ireland these days!

I neglected to mention in yesterday's post, when the kitties found the condom under my bed, that Kadi managed to bite straight through the wrapper. She hasn't died (damn it all anyway!), so it's safe to say that condoms make good toys for cats AND pussies! ;)

Spent the day at the print shop and also wandering around Springfield Mall. Things went OK with the paper this month, give or take enough arguments with influentials to choke a fucking horse. I may get some shit because I printed a candid thumbnail of one of our presidential candidates. (It's a no-no to give them any press after their candidacy is announced, but King Kumquat has ordained that I must give press to Evil Bitch, who is running, so I figured I would quietly promote the candidate that I personally favor. Muahaha. I might as well get the fan ready for when he sees the paper tomorrow. ...)

I am already so motherfucking SICK of holiday music already! I went shopping for something cheap for Shan's birthday (which was Saturday), and every miserable store was playing the same crap that the last store was playing. Hark, hear my screams, I tell ya. One more month of this aural torture to go ... will I make it without ripping the beard off a fake Santa or breaking an antler off a reindeer and sticking it up the ass of a small, screaming child? The sounds of the season are more frightening than the theme music to the "Friday the 13th" series!

In personal news, I finally got the missing part to my gas grill, and I made filet mignons and hot dogs tonight (food for the week, friends -- payday isn't till Friday). Too bad I didn't have the grill part for, oh, my housewarming party, when I had to buy a fucking grill especially for that occasion. But I'll give my little charcoal wonder to my neighbor/colleague, RC, whom I have kind of been taking care of in little ways (i.e., sending groceries and/or cooking meals and taking a plate down to her). Maybe I'll clean it out and buy some charcoal and some utensils at the dollars store and make kind of an early holiday gift out of it. She's one of those people who's really grateful for anything you do to help, so I know she'll love it (I just hope she doesn't call seven times to thank me, like she did when I bought her groceries last month -- a single thank-you is wonderful, but I prefer to do nice things because I want to, not because I desire recognition).

Actually, RC is another Pittsburgh (Mount Lebanon) expatriate (what the hell is it with D.C.? I can't believe how many of us have defected to this area!), so it was neat to have that bond during our first conversation. And even Clyde and Gisele at the print shop lived and/or have family in my old stomping grounds. Funny how we all stick together down here, even though not a one of us has a desire to go back there to live anytime soon (if at all).

In any event, if you're like me and happen to be shopping for Pittsburghers this holiday season, then I have to refer you to Dave C.'s list of Pittsburgh Barbies, for that pesky yinzer on your shopping list. Enjoy!

The Goddess Dawn @ 6:16 PM

Bring it On, Baby. ...


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